Over the last two weeks, I talked with some clients who felt sad and emotionally triggered by Valentine’s Day because they don’t have the romantic partnership they want.

If that’s you, or you have any negative feelings, frustration, or disappointment about dating, not dating, swiping on the apps, or the state of your love life, I recommend you listen to this recording of the 22nd Annual Quirkyalone Day Online Dance Party from February 14.

Erin, the great DJ Small Wonder from KALX Berkeley and now KXLU Los Angeles, who has done a legendary Quirkyalone Day radio show on or around February 14, played the carefully chosen tunes.

I provided commentary on topics such as FREEDOM and WHY Quirkyalone is even more needed and important today based on 22 years of celebrating this holiday with you all, and 26 years of lighting the fire for the Quirkyalone movement.

I also shared from what I know from 15 years of helping others as a life coach serving people who identify with quirkyalone.

In light of the disturbing realities being revealed by the Epstein Files, I led everyone in a taster of my body ownership PussyBreathing exercises as a prep before dancing to one of my favorite songs, “Feel The Way I Want” by Caroline Rose, which I discovered thanks to the Maggie from the 2023 Turned-On Living group. My work with Quirkyalone, Pussywalking, and Pussybreathing are all about helping women (and everyone) to own their own lives, and their own bodies.

In the global north, we live in societies that encourage us to sit down staring at screens all the time without a whole lot of dancing. There is great therapeutic value in moving your body to music. There’s also power in authentic community, when we come out of isolation to share our experiences and private thoughts about dating, relationships, and being single. That’s one of the reasons I keep throwing Quirkyalone Day events for 22 years now.

Why Quirkyalone Is Even More Radical and Necessary Than It Was in 2000

I want to highlight the two reasons why I said during the party that Quirkyalone is even more important and relevant now than in 2000, when this movement got started with my 700-word essay published in To-Do List and then Utne Reader.

The Political Context: Love, Freedom, and Economic Independence Are Linked

The first is most obvious: the political and cultural context has changed. Sexism and racism are having a field day right now. Legislators are trying to take away women’s voting power right now, especially married women who have changed their names to match their husbands’. Seriously.

Refusing to settle for less than the kind of romantic relationship you want presupposes economic independence — the ability to take out a credit card, buy a house, rent an apartment, get a job, start a business, and yes, vote! Voting affects our ability to have a say in how society is run.

As Lyz Lenz wrote in one of her recent newsletters, we have lives that our grandmothers would have dreamed of. So we have to celebrate that freedom to maintain it.

It sucks that we have to fight the same battles over and over again (I was shocked when we lost the constitutional right to abortion in the US in 2022), but women, like Black people and all people of color and immigrants in our country, and all our allies who care about humans in general, are tasked with this job. If we want to be free, we have to stand up for it.

The Problem With Instagram Therapy and Dating Advice Culture

Second — this may be less obvious. I am an experienced life coach by now. I help my quirkyalone clients work through their limiting beliefs as they get clear about what they really want in their lives, work, and relationships. But I don’t post a lot of coaching content on Instagram. That’s because I don’t really believe that a lot of the psychological and coaching content on Instagram is all that helpful and can be harmful.

Why? Over the years, I have talked down many, many clients from content they have absorbed on social media that wound up making them feel bad about themselves, or just plain confused because the message was not meant for their specific situation in life.

The self-help content on Instagram that talks about for example, why you are attracting emotionally unavailable people in your dating life, it’s your fault because you are not available yourself, or you don’t really want a relationship, don’t love yourself, or any number of ways this psychological wellness content gets used against us.

Love, Luck, and the Myth of “Healing Equals Happily Ever After”

The truth is, you can do a whole lot of healing and growth work (as I and many of my clients have) and not yet find a suitable life partner, and there is nothing wrong with you. We do not have 100% control over the circumstances of our lives.

Finding someone who is compatible with you at the time when you are both looking for partnership is a great fortune. As we talked about in the party, there are no guarantees in life. And there is still a whole lot of settling for toxicity, unhealthy relationships, and relationships that are not true partnerships going on in the world, so don’t believe all the happy couple photos on social media, please.

While I am all for healing from past trauma to open your heart to yourself and others, and examining your past patterns in love and relationships to see if there is something you want to change or evolve, doing this kind of healing and growth does not automatically equal romantically happily ever after. Luck always plays a role, and we can be lucky in many areas of life, not just love.

Quirkyalone remains even more relevant today and the conversation is getting even better with lived experience of decades in this community.

If you are quirkyalone or quirkytogether-leaning, I highly recommend you watch the party recording. And read my book, Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics, if you have not. Read it again if you have!

Onward — and here’s your invitation:

Press play.
Let your body move to the music. Sway, dance, wiggle.
Dance even if you feel tender, resistant, or cynical.
Listen while cooking, stretching, crying, or lying on the floor.
This isn’t about “fixing” yourself or your love life.
It’s about remembering your freedom, your aliveness, and your belonging in a larger community conversation of kindred spirits, in this f@#$@ world.

And if something stirs, opens, or softens in you, I’d love to hear what moved you.

Also, DJ Small Wonder was kind enough to provide us all with these resources.

Small Wonder’s Ultimate Quirkyalone Playlist:

DJ Small Wonder’s Quirkyalone Radio Show Archives

*** Erin, AKA DJ Small Wonder, notes, “The 2021 Quarantine Edition is the most reflective, personal and comprehensive show I’ve ever done, incorporating a wide variety of resources and contributions from others – highly recommended, especially for audiences who are already close to the movement.”