Achieving Home

by | Apr 25, 2016 | My Life, Personal Growth | 10 comments

Brooklyn_FilmPoster There was no doubt in my mind that I would see the movie Brooklyn and in the theater as soon as it came out last fall. You know when a movie comes out and it speaks to you to your core, or to some question you have shivering in your soul, you know that you will plunk down $10 to see the movie. So it was with Brooklyn for me.

A tale of a woman torn between two countries, Brooklyn is the story of a small-town Irish girl who comes to New York City from Ireland in the ’50s and falls for a young Italian plumber. She doesn’t come to New York because of famine or oppression. She comes to escape the narrowness of her small-town upbringing and the limited opportunities she finds at home. On a trip back home she feels a strong pull back to Ireland, to her family, roots, and a new Irish love interest. The movie, based on the novel by Colm Toibn, nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, is shimmering, subtle and yet emotionally exquisite.

When I walked out of the movie theater, dazed and happy in the movie’s glow, for the movie is a story of one woman’s pursuit of happiness, I distinctly remember seeing the words “achieving home” together in one of the movie reviews about the film.

Now I Google, looking for those words “achieving home” in the movie reviews to retrace my steps to the idea of achieving home but I do not find them.

The word combination “achieving home” made an impact on me even if I imagined them—the idea that home is an achievement rang as absolutely true. If you are a wanderer, a searcher, like me or the main character of Brooklyn Eilis Lacey, home is an achievement because it takes guts and time to choose, to try different places and know that each promised future dangling based on a place has its pros and cons, its dreams and its downsides, and commitment to roots is itself an achievement. I knew that I was struggling to achieve home myself, and perhaps, always will be to some extent.

I have “achieved home” in the last few weeks. After five years of splitting my time between the Bay Area and Buenos Aires, Argentina, I have decided to make Buenos Aires my primary place for the next 12 months at least, enough time to make progress on my book and grow the Tango Adventure while continuing to offer my coaching services.

The decision came with waves: first the doubt that lived with me for years about what to do, growing finally after enough consideration and research of options to finally a solid decision that I could actually feel as true in my body (when things actually feel settled in my body I know they are true than when they are just mental). Then came euphoria at having committed, then some remorse, knowing Buenos Aires is not perfect and there are things that I miss out on by being away from the Bay Area.

And yet, the decision feels excellent to announce. I am achieving home, in a place and perhaps most of all in my ability to commit to myself, to my intuition, to my belief in my dreams.

With this achievement of home, I cannot help but point out a difference in my story. The movie’s main character chooses between places but ultimately she is choosing between men who want to marry her. It is not that I do not want to marry, or be in love, but in my choice, I am not rushing into the arms of a man who will be my husband. I may very well meet him here in the next year, but it is something else entirely to be a woman choosing destiny based holistically on what makes you happy, what makes you come alive, and not because there is a man at the other end of the airplane travel to welcome you.

This fear has been a demon all along, the fear that if I choose my most alive life this is somehow “impractical” and will negate the possibility of love and marriage. I know this sounds “crazy” coming from the author of Quirkyalone who waves the flag for everyone who chooses to be single rather than settle, but I tell you the truth. It’s gotten too boring for me to not tell the truth. For a whole year after breaking up with a boyfriend in the Bay Area the demon of practicality told me that it was statistically more likely I would find my partner there, even when I felt that being in California was not the right choice for me now.

This choice of home is an extra achievement because I do it as a woman alone. With the hope that making the best decision for me brings the best possible future. I do it knowing that it is my responsibility, my risk, that no one can guarantee anything but this was the best choice for me. So I decide happily too. And I feel the achievement of home, most of all, within myself.


  1. Beth O'Donnell

    Congratulations Sasha!

    • Sasha Cagen

      Thanks Beth! I appreciate it!

  2. Rachel

    Beautiful piece of writing. And lovely decision- it seems a place where you are in your power!

    • Sasha Cagen

      Thanks Rachel, I think this is true!

  3. Jill Summerville

    Thank you for being honest, vulnerable, brave, beautiful YOU, Sasha! Those of us who honor and support you will stick with you, wherever you are.

    • Sasha Cagen

      Thanks Jill, always happy to have you in the quirky community 🙂

  4. Terri

    I too am going thru a time of evaluating my future. I’m 49, single and my parents are getting up in age. The last 2 years with my father’s health has made me re-evaluate what I will do after they have passed. Will I stay where I grew up? Will my job remain steady (I’ve been laid off in the last 5 years)? Who will I spend my golden years with? Fortunately, I’ve a friend who has asked me to retire with her, but her financial future may require my help. And frankly, I’m not where I want to be so I can sit back and enjoy retirement. How did life get so hard?

    • Sasha Cagen

      A lot of questions to consider! Jody Day at Gateway Women is organizing a group called AWOC, Aging Without Children, to look at these kinds of questions on a societal scale. You’re certainly not alone Terri in thinking these things through and feeling overwhelmed at times. I do think there’s something important about enjoying the now too since we don’t know the future. Hugs.

  5. Kaye

    Congratulations on your migration and welcome to South America. I came here also from the Bay Area, and have been in Ecuador now five years (though I’m pretty ready to escape)! The world is so big and presents so many possibilities.

    I agree, finding home and feeling we have a home necessitates feeling at home within our own self. And I believe the closer you are to that within yourself, the closer you can be to finding a partner.

    Thanks also for your honesty. I’m posting a response although I tend to avoid social exposure, here the risk is worth it. 🙂

    Kaye in Ecuador
    another woman alone in South America!

    • Sasha Cagen

      Great to hear from you Kaye, I love that, another woman alone in South America. Let me know where you go next. 🙂


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Hi! I’m Sasha

Executive and Life Coach on a mission to help women connect with their bodies to pursue their truest desires in the bedroom and the world.

Author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics (HarperCollins) + To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us (Simon & Schuster).

At work on a memoir called Wet, about adventures in healing through sensuality.

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