what a brilliant image for this book . . .
It is surprising that anything surprises me when it comes to dating and relationships. I have twenty years of dating, relationship, and being single experience, I have written a book about being single and dating, I coach women and men about dating, communication, boundaries, sex, boundaries, self-worth, and love, and I’ve talked my friends through everything (polyamory, sexual exploration, sex while parenting young children, etc.). I find it surprising that I can still be surprised. Yet with technology making our world so incredibly new I can.
My latest discovery is the Whatsapp relationship, aka the “exclusive texting” relationship. Beware it.
Whatsapp is a “cross-platform mobile messaging app”: Think texting if you never used it. My ex and I broke up a few months ago, and since then I have been dipping back in the dating pool, mostly in Buenos Aires. In my last few months of reaching out sporadically through OkCupid or Tinder (which people do use in Argentina, Tinder more than OKCupid), I have found a pattern. We start messaging, and then, the other person asks for my Whatsapp to communicate.
This story starts with a man I met a man on Tinder. (Although Tinder has a reputation as a “hookup” application, I find it’s also possible to meet interesting people for dating and friendship. The interface is so simple, it’s a lot like real life if you quickly move to have an in-person meeting. If you are an intuitive person, you can tell a lot from a face. )
We started messaging and it was delightful. He asked beautiful questions. The kinds of questions that I dream of men asking, because really, I think all we want in a relationship is to be known. To be seen. To be cared about, yes, loved. He would send questions late into the night, and each question brought an exciting ding. So this was fun, it almost felt like we were falling in love like that famous promise that you can accelerate intimacy by asking and answering the right questions, and then, you will fall in love. But that idea presupposes eye contact. After a couple weeks, I realized I was the only one trying to make the virtual actual. Dates, we would call them. In-person meetings. Isn’t that what we are aiming for? Getting to know each other in the flesh?
Although we did meet three times and had a great time on each occasion, I was the only one initiating the dates. And it became increasingly impossible to meet in person. It was very strange. He didn’t seem to have a girlfriend or wife, which would be the obvious explanation. Gay? Just not that into me? Only into online/texting relationships at this moment of his life? I never could tell. Honestly the whole thing is a mystery to me still.
I met a new friend from Singapore for dinner and shared my bewilderment. She confessed something similar had happened to her. She met a man, an American who often traveled for work, and she saw him three times in the course of a year. For a whole year, they sent messages every day. He would text “Good morning!” every day and send photos of what he was eating. She felt they were in a relationship. A friend intervened after a year and she woke up to realize, This is not a relationship. She told him she didn’t want to carry on like this anymore and he disappeared.
My now ex-boyfriend (a real person who likes real meeetings! I need to find another man like him!) gave me a thoughtful birthday present: Modern Romance
My eyes were glued to the page when I read their chapter on dating in Buenos Aires. As part of their study of dating in Buenos Aires they found that men were often carrying on several text conversations with women, and women were doing the same. Everyone was hedging their bets, including people in relationships, flirting via Whatsapp to keep their options open. They also found they found that men chase, and women are trained to say no first to show that they are not “easy” to get. They call this “hysterico” behavior in Argentina, playing hot and cold. I’ve heard the word “hysterico” so many times while I have lived in Argentina.
The portrait the book paints is one of low-commitment game-playing enabled by texting. For the most part it seemed chillingly and accurately described. (I will say, in Buenos Aires’ defense, there are also sweet, sensitive Buenos Aires men who are devoted and highly therapized.)
The situation is extreme, but the situation is extreme in many places. Really, isn’t this a global problem, a symptom of our love affair with our phones?
Recently I was swiping on Tinder back in San Francisco and I noticed a man wrote in his profile, “Only if you want to meet. No text buddies please.” I suspect the texting-with-few-meetings relationship is a new kind of ephemeral relationship in the globalized world. Maybe these relationships persist over time because it’s all the attention that some individuals want to give relationships. It’s a fast-food way to flirt without risking vulnerability.
We are all spinning tops now, spinning with email, social media, phone notifications, and the world is spinning so fast, where does it all lead? When the world keeps spinning faster, what happens to our basic human needs for authentic connection, help, and love?
Will a percentage of the population just go for these false-intimacy, buzzing-dinging relationships that provide a dopamine hit of excitement but never a hug? Are these just the virtual frogs we have to kiss on the diligent search for something real, substantial, live and in the flesh, built on time and love?
It’s all far too reminiscent of the movie Her, where Joaquin Phoenix gets sucked into love with an Operating System (Scarlett Johanssen). I shared this story with a friend who is also dating, and she asked, “In the future are we all going to be trading texts with computer algorithms that know just what we need to hear? That give perfect textual satisfaction…and nothing else?”
In my recent story, I found it so bizarre that this man was texting me all the time with questions, and yet, he lived about a mile away. This was not a long-distance relationship that required texting. For about a month I found his messages thrilling, but also unhealthy to have my body get so revved up by the addictive dings, with no bodily contact to soothe, ground, connect us.
I learned something very valuable years ago: You want the people who want you. I need more from a man than Whatsapp. A lot more.
Doesn’t everyone?
A female Argentine friend and I reached the conclusion that we need to carefully screen. We don’t waste time with people who are only interested in virtual relationships. Like the guy in his Tinder profile said, no text buddies please. While I am part of a few online communities that are important to me, and those relationships are meaningful, when it comes to my closest friendships, family relationships, and my partner, I know those relationships all take time and energy to cultivate in person, on the phone, or via Skype (somehow seeing the face does make a big difference).
We who want authentic connection should be careful to not waste the time and energy on an illusion built through addictive dings on our phones.
Executive and Life Coach on a mission to help women connect with their bodies to live their best lives + do their best work. Author: of Quirkyalone + To-Do List. Forthcoming: WET.
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Oh my gosh, Sasha…Love this. So crazy! It reminds me of when I was in a long distance email love affair about 5 years ago with some guy I think I met on match. He lived in Alabama or something, but we had great emails back and forth for months. When I suggested meeting up somewhere, I never heard from him again.
Why ?
Dont feel bad. This happened to me and it turned out “he” was a woman. I have caught other people (searching numbers etc online) also pretending to be a totally different person. Chances are you were talking to a very old man, married, maybe even a 13-year-old lesbian lesbian with genius writing skills. Who knows.
Ohhh and then i actually drove a huge distance to meet a man who demanded exclusivity after a 2 week telephone romance. I had developed feelings for him so I said ok I will meet first and if it’s good we can have a long distance committed relationship. The guy was a total creep. Possibly a psycho. I am positive he was living off another woman as he left me in the middle of the date to talk for 30 minutes. I do not envy his other woman, maybe he has many of these “relationships” all with women who own homes and assets like myself, he gave off that kind of vibe. One awful date and some scary weird conversation that never happened over the phone (Because his crazy was somehow Obvious in person but not at all over the phone) and the spell was broken.
H I all I’m Andre 50 divorced from Centurion and hoping to find the one
Just need someone to talk or go out on a date or talk on whatsup
Hey same
Hey same
Yup! I wonder how many of us who have been on the search for love online or on our phones have had that experience?! I’m actually reading Modern Romance right now and loving it; it’s full of statistics from the sociological research so I will see if that’s in there and post if so!
It’s nice to talk to someone
Look for a full girlfriend.
Why do men love what’s app
I think men love WhatsApp because it’s anonymous, and I think specifically, they don’t want to get rejected in person. I think for us men, it’s like walking up to a woman you like and being rejected, to having a friend talk to the woman and he tells you she’s not interested, with the computer taking the place of your friend. In the end, no one likes being rejected in person, whether male or female – for us guys however, we just seem to take rejection easier when it’s done online as we can always message another woman. In real life, if a guy gets rejected, we usually just slink away, and take it more personally. Unlike women, guys aren’t usually social, so don’t have a lot of friends to rely on, whereas women have usually more then one girlfriend they can call on to lend a shoulder to cry on. I do envy women for the fact that they have such an important support system, and even more for the fact that they can share their emotions with their girlfriends, while us guys have to be happy with a backslap from a friend, and a ‘You’ll get them next time’ kind of attitude, if we’re lucky to have a good friend. Anyway, just a long winded response to Carol’s post!
Hey Sasha. You may be right with regards the guys not wanting to be rejected, but I think it goes deeper than that.
I think the main problem is commitment. A texting “relationship ” is great … share your feelings, make plans you never intended to stick to & when push come to shove, you simply put your tail between your legs & block the person.
In real life, if I fight with my wife I still have to sleep in the same bed … and rightly so. You have made a commitment to each other, for better or worse, richer or poorer etc
I see people going on with these texting relationships & cant help but feel that there is no intention to commit.
Great post though
It really keep options open. But not really because the woman ur texting are doing the same thing.. Theres really no end game.. Its all about the chase
its a terrible thing if they ask. e to go to WhatsApp( which i don’t have and don’t want anyway) I just block them I think its just to cover their tracks !
Because they want pictures.
But eventually we met and it was fine. But I think they want the pictures and the fun of texting back and forth. However still confusing.
If you find out please let me know!!!
I haven’t met on person on what’s app that can video chat.. it’s obvious.. it’s swarming with scammers. Loneliness is weakness.. I’d rather face rejection in the real world.
This is true, have been in a casual relationship with a younger man for two or three months now. We were colleagues years ago and I contacted him about job opportunities. Any way, Whatsapp away. Every day, Good morning, good night, blah blah. So boring. I didn’t reply today. Sod him.
Have just come out of the same thing, despite thinking I was too smart for this to happen to me… started from day one with ‘I don’t want cybersex/a texting relationship’… ‘Neither do I…’, looking for honesty, good times, trust, travel etc. So I thought laying ground rules, saying what you want would avoid this kind of ruse, but no…
This guy was texting night and day, sometimes we’d chat for hours. It actually felt like we had become close friends/confidantes…We eventually met up and he sent me a voicemail saying how wonderful it had been… couldn’t wait to see me again… but I had to wait another couple of months to see him again! Lots of empty promises about where we would go, what we would do, but they never materialised, despite the promises of ‘this time I won’t let you down’.
We agreed to be friends as I said it wasn’t working for me and I wanted to go out, experience real things, but he would start the cycle of promises again…. can we meet next week, do you want to….? I woke up one day and realised how much it was actually hurting, the hot/cold disappointing relationship. We weren’t ‘friends’ – we never had been. He invested as much time texting as in a real relationship, but stupidly I’d ended up compromising what I wanted for this ‘needy’ guy who couldn’t operate in the real world. Boy, do I feel stupid! Rule number one: don’t compromise, whatever BS excuse they come up with for why they can’t meet.
I’ve been in a relationship like this for months – we’ve only met once – it’s the strangest relationship that I’ve ever had .. I feel like he’s my best friend – he knows everything about me – he always cheers me up .. there is forever talk about meeting & it never happens ..I’m def emotionally attached to him .. I tried ending it a few times – but it never works – I date other guys all the time .. but I like him way more then the other guys ..
I don’t get it .. the whole thing is so strange
Let him in he wants you connect and be happy
I live in Ireland I’m a 27 yr old female.ive been talking July that i met on tinder hes a 39 yr old Argentina man.we don’t text everyday twice a week for the past month he mostly texts me first. He asked me out 3 weeks ago I said maybe Sat then on the way in texted to say he was sick. He sent me a pic of himself and he did look genuinely sick (food poisoning apparently) since then he knew I have plans on the weekend now I’m back he messaged me tonight but didn’t ask to met yet. He lives over an hour away so meeting during the week wouldn’t work. He also told me his last gf was the same age as me and she broke up with him was seeing someone else but also said her dad wouldn’t be happy with his age. Do you think this is why he is hesident to ask me out again. I hate to waist time and I’ve never been in a situation like this before
Your wasting your time. Besides, he’s too old for you.
You’re not event in your 30s yet and your dating a guy who is almost 40?
Go in real life, enjoy men your age. Don’t tell me they’re not mature enough for you, cause you and the 40 yr old guy don’t sound mature either. And its all about personality, and so far that scared and needy 40 yr old guy has only showed he can’t even have a normal real life gf. he has to hide behind a little phone. Real maturity there.
he’s not too old lol
I’ve always dated much older guys/
age is nothing to do with it.
who are you to say who she should like and what she should do lol
I agree. Age is just a number.
This article rings home and almost caused me a breakdown last year. I met a man online who wouldn’t neet for months. We met a couple of times after but have basically been in a weird text relationship for 18 months.
After reading this article i can see it isn’t real, nothing is real, just empty words and promises.
He was single too definitely…
I’m not sure what his motivation is to invest so much time in texting but nothing else.
look age aint nothing but a number tired of people especially women saying hes to old this and that crap it can work u women need to stop focusing on a mans age and just focus on the mans action
Get out of that situatuon, he is fooling u
I can only agree with this article. I have been online dating for 3.5 years, 2 years before the end of a 25 year relationship. I met a man online I have had for a lover for 3.5 years, we meet weekly and it is amazing, he is married and I was when I met him online, we have so much in common. My relationship ended almost 2 years ago my ex left me for someone 25 years younger, I had the best airbag a girl could have as an amazing lover, friend, confidant, without that relationship I would have crumbled. I have also been seeing other men and have a few profiles. I have dated over 30 men and have chatted (super selectively) with probably over a hundred. During the past year I have noticed a change and it is men not wanting to meet but chat, one guy I met I had synergy with he is single and a little younger – 49 and I am 55. We went for dinner and got along extremely well he is single with two young children staying with him two nights a week, we seemed to be attracted to one another. We kissed at the end of the night, a rare good kisser, very polite no tongue thrusting like many of the men I kissed. We haven’t met since and that was 9 months ago, he sends messages to me a couple of times a fortnight and often looks at my profile. We speak on the phone but only if I phone him which might be once a month. I find the whole thing perplexing. I have since been speaking with about 12 men and all started with messages on dating sites, with them initiating, then wanting me to use whatsapp and that is the only place we supposedly date. I find it annoying and juvenile, I want to hear the sound of the mans voice, the tone and timbre and speak for a while by phone. I would hope that after a week or so we could arrange to meet in person – dinner, I’m busy and have to eat. The whatsapp dates never lead to meeting the man, it is perplexing. I get bored and stop replying but explain that it isn’t a relationship I find appealing.
I too have almost the same situation was in a relationship for over 22 years. Have been dating for over 4 years. It used to be you swiped , text the talked and finally met. Once awhile the guy would have older pics and then you met and they look nothing like their pics. But lately I can’t even get to the meeting part. Good morning, goodnight and then the disappearing act. I block immediately when they say let’s talk on what’s app. Something is wrong. Married , woman or even a teen. I would love to leave the online dating world. Just do not know where to Meet someone. Im 55.
I had the same with a women, why do they do this? What’s the point of talking for months on whatsapp and never wanting to meet
Nt all of them
My fiance is always on the internet, chatting with different women, having dates with them. Want to get out of this relationship.
So leave!!!
Mine too lol. I won’t leave because we still r together neway having fun 16 years, I flirt as well and he usually does what y’all r talking about, texting tons of women getting them emotionally attached then never meets up with them unless I’m out of town which is very rare. The women line up tho for him, even tho he isn’t that cute. I’m not leaving so he can go have tons of fun single dating lol we have kids. Ide rather stay so the girls can’t come over Psh.
I don’t like virtual relationship based on chatting or using technology.
Here is one for the books. I’m going on 64. Just want to play the word game. And three different guys…so far all obviously younger than myself by six years and more want to get to know me better by me getting on Whats App or something like that
I’ve been playing words with friends for yrs & if I could only count the times some random guy has tried to converse with me through the game itself! It’s so sad that this is what it has come to! I just don’t know how to meet anyone anymore!
I’m curious. anyone got a solution?. I am talking to guys online and they almost immediately ask for whatsapp id . i explain politiely that i want to keep talking on the app and that i m interested in them, and they without excption so far just go away.
i dont want my day intruded on by whastapp messages from guys I havent met I want to keep whatsappfor real relationships with people I have actually met!. Am i being unreaasonable?
Same thing! I met a guy on Tinder who wanted to WhatsApp endlessly but never meet up, despite us both living in London.
He reminded me of an ex I had had and so I was instantly intrigued by him. After a few months of trying to get him to meet in real life, and finding the whole experience highly frustrating, a friend said, ‘you know, he’s never going to meet you!’ And, after that I came to my senses and stopped replying to his messages.
I don’t understand the psychology behind this, other than some form of twisted attention seeking. Err!!!
Hi Joanne, most all contacts I’ve had , mainly all through Hinge, have all suggested moving on to WhatsApp, with only one so far resulting in an actual date, the others all now ghosts.
I appreciate that WhatsApp/Signal/text, certainly in this post-covid weirdness we find ourselves living in, plays some part in making connections beyond the scope of most dating as they allow sharing of images, music and so on, at some sort of distance where people feel comfortable. Also ‘going out’ options are limited and the experience generally feels oppressive and clinical OR risky and irresponsible.
There is definitely a a phenomena as described in the article above, as I’m finding out although, I do enjoy the exchanges, most lead to voice calls (which usually feel pretty good) as for me I having every intention of meeting up, then silence.
I’m quite prepared to travel some distance to meet people as I live in a small semi rural area and like the idea of seeing new places and branching out. I suppose there is some need to make sure that the effort would be worth while so WhatsApp does play a part in getting to know someone better. However, it is all too easy to become ‘trigger happy’ on the texts, that’s what these applications are all about.
I’ve found that the majority of the women are all recently out of unhappy relationships so am coming to the opinion that the exchanges are a basically a bit of a boost while hedging their bets on numerous ‘matches’ until a decent preferred one turns up. Its quite disappointing, lessons learned.
Nobody here has mentioned Scammers! Aren’t these men on Tinder that want you to go on WhatsApp immediately often scammers? Not all of them but some of them? I don’t believe they are always who they say they are. Call me suspicious but I just don’t buy it. Thoughts?
You’re right! Many of them are scammers and are trying to get money from the women they talk to!
I agree! It’s actually happened to me! Learned my lesson real fast!
Just wasted 6 weeks chatting to someone on Wattsapp. Only met up twice in all that time. I realised that over a few days I had started to invest more than him, while he was slower at getting back and evasive about meeting up. I didn’t bother to reply to his last message. Have you come across the term being benched? or breadcrumbing? Well wattsapp is a perfect tool for men to do this. Listen to the gut and detach fast. If he wants to chase he can but from now on only on the landline or in person.
Hey, I’m a 59yo guy.I WAS APPROACHED BY a 38 yo attractive woman who was “interested in my profile” and wanted to find out more about me and go to messenger. Being curious, and smelling a scam, I agreed. The highlights are, 2 weeks in no scam evident. I told”her” from the beginning I have no interested in romantic relationship, just some basic chat happening. “She’s” in another country. She Did ask to go to whatsapp, why? The writing accent sounds very foreign. I did ask for a photo with time and date which w a s angrily refused and offended. Her public facebook page looks a bit dodgy. Any ideas what’s going on here? Oh, yeah, a Google search on the name reveals many facebook approaches with the same messaging on older guys??? Is it just phishing?
i would love to meet someone
I too have been in several on line “quest” I will call them. These Whatsapp request are always suspicious. I have been on line with a person that eventually wanted me to buy things for him. I of course refused and deleted him. It’s so sad that there’s people out there scamming some poor innocent Woman. I currently have a ”quest” that is in Alaska on an oil rig so he of course wanted to be on whatsapp… He said he couldn’t video chat because it’s against policy and I told him if he didn’t prove he was the person in his profile that I was ending the chat. He refused at first said that he had told me it was against policy which I have no Idea why he can’t video chat in his own quarters. I told him that he needed to figure out a way to prove it or I was gone. He eventually did prove it was him, but he tells me he’s heading to work and I can see that he’s on line for hours after we speak. He says he wants to marry me we have never met….BLAH BLAH… I honestly have a hard time believing any of it.
This has been going on so long for me. Years in fact!
Before I explain, I feel like I should let you know that I am in my 40s & have never had an online relationship before. I have been in long-term real relationships included a marriage. I was definitely happy with my life & was 100% not looking for anyone – definitely nothing that would lead me to feeling the way I do today.
We did not meet on a dating site though. It was a social media group we were both members of. He got in-touch through the messaging app of the social media platform as he had noticed we are from the same town.
However, we don’t even live in the same country now.
We moved over to WhatsApp as per his suggestion 2 months into messaging.
It was about another month before we found ourselves chatting (texting) frequently & we discussed pretty much everything. The sexting evolved naturally & started about 3 months in. I liked it. We chatted daily into the early hours & learnt lots about each other. He seemed genuinely interested & was painting a very beautiful picture of what my life would look like with him in it.
He talked about us being together, making ‘this’ real etc (RED FLAG 1, right) & he also said that he was sure we’d have met by now if it wasn’t for Covid lockdown.
I decided to surprise him with a visit.
This was 7 months into knowing each other.
That freaked him out. We carried on chatting, even whilst I was in the place he lives at the moment BUT he said he was not mentally able to see me because of his situation (which he had told me about in great detail during messaging).
RED FLAG 2,right?
The very next month I was nearby again on holiday with family. I hadn’t told him but when he found out I was nearby, he started asking to meet up where I was or where he was. But this was my holiday & so I said that I had learnt my lesson.
Anyway, chatting continued. Then I think he rekindled (or tried to) things with an ex gf. I was trying to recall which specific group we had posts in common on & so I did something I have never done before, I looked up a name on Fb & cloicked on posts. I genuinely believed that would solely bring up any posts we had in common. BUT NO!!!
Anyway, I am sure they attempted reconciliation & in his defence, although he did continue messaging me during that time, he refrained from sexting & ignored my attempts to sext too (bear in mind, I wasn’t sure what was going on at that point – it was later that all became clear – anyway, I knew when things had ended with her again as the sexual connection came back plus he was suddenly messaging very late at night again.
However, at some point nearly all affection disappeared from his messages.
Anyway, fast forward to now. He has started opening up about his relationship with her but has said he & I are just friends.
Very mixed signals as he has also recently said how I’m just the type of woman he likes.
I am going to insist on a video call very soon. We have never done that. We have spoken on the phone & he has left voice messages. I am also going to insist on meeting in the coming months.
If he says no or keeps putting it off, I don’t know what I will do yet – I know I should say that I will stop messaging until such a time as he is prepared to arrange meeting in-person. But i keep thinking- if i wait just a bit longer.
I also get very upset if I see him online late at night but that he is not reading my messages as, tbh, he usually messages me at that time. I worry he is now doing the same with others. But it’s a difficult thing to ask without coming across as needy & obsessive.
Thanks for reading if you have got this far.
Glad I am not alone in this strange predicament. It was good to read about other people’s experiences. It has opened my eyes to what I have been foolish enough to do for so long.
Something I need to tell people that are looking for “the one”. While Whatsapp is a secure way of chatting, it’s also a secure way to scam and trick people because there’s no actual way to tell whether or not you’re talking to someone actually the age they claim to be, the gender (assigned or otherwise) and many other factors.
I’ve been on the Internet even before it was released to the general public. Even back then, there was a lot of people posturing and telling lies. This was still considered a purely educational, government and military network at that time. Add all the public in starting back in 1992 and push it forward another 30 years. All I can say is, it’s the same damn game just a lot more detailed.
If you’re looking for the one, you need to be that one. What I mean by that is, you want a winner? Yeah? You need to be that winner that will attract a like minded person.
I’ve never considered anything that happens on the Internet to be real until people agree to meet you in a well lit, well known public place for safety.
A lot of people lie on the Internet, it could be something small or something really big. Take what people tell you with a grain of salt (or a whole damn bag of salt, if that’s what’s called for).
I also want to warn you, scam artists and others of the criminal element love WhatsApp because it can conceal their true identity. As a hint, never click on any external links outside of WhatsApp or other chat applications / apps. Often times they’re malware to infect your phone including but not limited to trojan horses that allow a direct tunnel into your phone to spy on you, get your contacts, bank info, etc. They can even learn your real name, where you live, etc.