A reader sent me this question, “Curious…what is your take on books like He’s Just Not That into You?” I thought that was a perfect question to answer to start out 2015.
I will start by saying if someone is not into you, then you’re not into them. Case closed. You want the person who is into you. But you don’t know who’s into you until you get to know them.
There is a pernicious message underneath the seemingly logical advice of He’s Just Not That Into You.
Even before we are old enough to cross paths with books like The Rules or dating gurus like Christian Carter that tell women NOT to make the first move or ask a man out on a date, we watch fairy tales where the Prince Charming kisses us and we — sleeping beauty — awake to life beginning. Women get the idea that their attractiveness is dependent on men approaching us, and that men don’t want to be approached. That women should be pretty and passively wait. Those fairy tale messages cast a spell on women and girls. They keep us asleep.
In real life, in 2015, most adult women do not initiate contact on online dating sites or out in the real world.
Women complain about how hard it is to find a boyfriend. But often they are not willing to go outside their comfort zones to make the first move.
Someone should have explained this to all of us as little girls. For the empowered quirkyalone, quirkytogether, quirkyslut woman (or man). . .my 2015 dating mantra for you is: Your dream should not be to be chosen. Your dream should be to develop the confidence to be the one to do the choosing. And not care if you are rejected.
The big shift happens when you realize it does not matter what the reaction is. You hold the key to your own value.
What does this mean in real life? Say hello. Smile. Invite a conversation. Pick a guy in a bar or on a dating site and say that’s one I want. Try on the power of wanting. Ask yourself, Who catches my eye? Who do I want to talk to? Question your fears. Initiate. Repeat.
I shared this idea on Facebook and Michelle wrote in response, “With men, if they were not interested in you before, they are not interested if you choose them. I speak from painful experiences. At this point only Jesus Christ himself could live up to my standards and last time I read anything his return was supposed to be preceded by the four horseman and accompanied with four trumpets at the four corners of the earth with a rapture somewhere in between.”
I wrote back, “Not even Jesus Christ Michelle? It’s about resilience. And having fun along the way. And knowing it doesn’t matter what people who don’t know you think. Not immediately easy to do, but worth building as a skill. Maybe you would like Jesus Christ if you got to know him gradually. . . a no-pressure kind of thing . . .”
If you give this experiment enough time (I’m talking months if not years) and develop tolerance for being rejected (just as men are taught to do) you will be surprised by what happens when you go from waiting to be chosen to doing the choosing. You never know what’s going to happen.
Go get ’em and let us know how it goes!
P.S. Quirky men also can benefit from initiating more. Especially in this screen-obsessed age where we are all buried in our smartphones. . . stop being shy, make some eye contact!
P.P.S. There are still a few spots open in the Quirky Tango Adventure in Buenos Aires February 21-28 an March 14-21 where we teach you tango and tango as a metaphor for dating, life, and relationships. Act now because the adventures are coming up. If you come, you will learn how to be more bold personally from me. You will need to learn how to use your eyes to invite people to dance, and those lessons will serve you extremely well in 2015 when you learn how to use your eyes to create more connection wherever you go. Get all the details HERE–come dance with us in Buenos Aires!
Executive and Life Coach on a mission to help women connect with their bodies to live their best lives + do their best work. Author: of Quirkyalone + To-Do List. Forthcoming: WET.
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Great piece Sasha!
I hold the key to my own value–I remind myself (or try to) of that every day as a self employed designer. And especially in tango–where the rubber (or suede soles) really hits the dance floor.
Thanks for this.
Totally Nancy! The dance floor is where the rubber or suede hits the dance floor. 🙂 This is one reason why tango is such a powerful space for practicing confidence, we have to practice every time we step into the milonga to dance and especially when we put ourselves out there to buck a gender norm and ask a guy to dance (with our eyes through the cabaceo) or directly if you’re in a more causal environment like San Francisco.
Love your comment fellow tango writer and hope we can meet up someday soon!
Hi Sasha
I’ve never written to you, but have been following the Quirky Alone movement since I left the Bay area (2005). I really enjoy your posts, it resonates with me as a 40 year old physician in Baltimore, where I moved for my job, in a sea of faculty who embody the Tyranny of coupledom. I am trying so hard to embrace being single, and in fact am doing what you suggested, be proactive in 2015. Let go of my Cinderella complex. There is a guy in the orchest I think is cute, I am trying to figure out how to approach and talk to him, and utilizing acquaintances to see if he’s single. We’ll see how it works. This stuff always backfires on me, but I’m never the girl that guys approach, so I’m trying to be my own solution. Which is how I’ve succeeded in every other aspect of my life. Thank you Sasha, for your blog, and your advice. I wish I’d known sooner about your Buenos Aires vacation, I need to put in vacation requests 6 months in advance so it’s too late now, but maybe some other time! Best regards. Priya
Hi Priya. . . exactly . . . you hit the nail on the head: letting go of the Cinderella complex! Isn’t that funny that it’s still in our heads at 40?!!? Good luck with putting yourself out there, and remember, it’s a practice, not a one-time thing.
Would love for you to join us in Buenos Aires. Stay in touch on this list to get the first word about when the next adventures are announced. I will have my focus on writing my new Wet book but when you get on this list you can be the first to hear about new dates: http://sashacagen.us2.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=3cd90bd1153bea57e2d858f81&id=8e126d5a5b
Like most men, introspection and self discovery does not come easy for me. Recently, while struggling to define myself to a friend she said I was “quirky alone…yes it’s a thing” and my response was “is that bad?” This lead me to your post and many others I did not know we’re a “thing” like me. My story is not unlike others in that most of my life I was in between two stages; in a relationship and long periods of alone. Then I found love that lasted a decade but did not survive a one year period of resentment. For the following 6 years I chose (and still do) a liveaboard life on a boat. I struggled with being alone for a year and then a state of tranquility started settling in. Going to bed with the sound of docklines and waking up to ducks became my last and first simple pleasures of the day.
I’m glad I am now “thing 1” and know that there are many “thinking 2’s” out there.
Keith- Quirky in Baltimore
Hi, Sasha,
Happy 2015! I love your post, and I think I will try it on. Since I’m rarely approached, it’s time to try something different. Scary, but why the hell not?!