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Are you “too nice”?
This month in my yearlong small group coaching program Turned-On Living we are looking at patterns of being “nice” and perhaps “too nice.” We are looking at whether ”nice” is honest.
May is the Anti-People Pleasing month in Turned-On Living. Every month has a theme in service of creating a turned-on life.
For sure learning how to say no is necessary to say yes to life and what you really want. And speaking up is required to live a healthy life.
And yet it is not easy to change these patterns. I have struggled with elements of people-pleasing my whole life. I’m getting better every year at being real and am so enjoying being with a group of women on this yearlong journey.
How about you? Are you sometimes “too nice”? And does becoming less nice mean “toughening up” or just loving yourself more?
If you want to look at your own people-pleasing patterns, and what it takes to change them, I highly recommend these resources:
- The book Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… and Start Speaking Up, Staying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself by Aziz Gazipura. You can find Not Nice and all the other great books we are using during our yearlong journey on the Turned-On Living 2023 Bookshop.org list. (Shout out to Bookshop.org, a socially conscious way to buy books online and support indie bookstores!)
- This piece on Chief.com, which has hit home for a few of my coaching clients: Respect Me, Maybe? How ‘Soft’ Language Could Be Hurting Your Career. I work as a Guide for Chief, so I get a lot of their great content in my email inbox, and like to pass along the best wisdom.
- From Kara Loewentheil of Unfuck Your Brain, this podcast episode on people-pleasing.
All of these resources will provoke you. Books and podcasts are great, and…
If you want one-on-one support to work through your people-pleasing patterns in service of your turned-on life, you can reach out to see if I have space for a new client in my coaching practice.
If you would like to do this work with a group of awesome women dedicated to their own personal growth, you can put yourself on the waiting list for the next cohort of Turned-On Living. I will start talking with folks in September to form another special group to kick off in 2024.
Thoughts? Leave them in the comments!
Dear Dr. Phil: Why you should have me on your show about self-marriage
As I’m preparing to write my behind-the-scenes blog post about being on Dr. Phil (not using Chat GPT, which I am still resisting!), I uploaded this video to YouTube.
After our initial phone call, the producers asked me to make a video telling Dr. Phil why they should have me on the show as a guest expert. This four-minute chat into the camera is what I sent.
I got to say many more substantial things in my “audition” video than on the actual show!
The story of how the producers found me and what it was like to be flown out to LA to be on Dr. Phil will be coming soon.
I’ve been busy with my move into a new home, but now there are only three more boxes to unpack.
I am excited to get back into my writerly creative flow and share the backstory with you. Stay tuned. It’s my intention for my own Turned-On Life to do a lot more authentic, personal essayish writing this year.
P.S. This month in Turned-On Living, my group coaching program based on everything I have learned for coaching women for the last twelve years, we are moving into the topic of ANTI-PEOPLE-PLEASING.
It’s time to learn how to live from desire rather than obligation.
If you too are one of those “too nice” women who is ready to learn how to be kind to others while also being true to yourself, and you are curious to be considered for the next cohort of Turned-On Living, leave your email here to begin the conversation.
A podcast about listening to the body to make big life decisions, overcoming New England Puritanism, and more
It was a massive pleasure to talk with fellow Rhode Islander Dave Ursillo for his podcast the New Story.
In Dave’s former life, he was, according to his LinkedIn profile, “a political insider, policy nerd and aspiring Presidential speechwriter at governmental offices on state and Federal levels, including the White House Council on Environmental Quality in 2008 and for a gubernatorial candidate in 2009.”
Now, like me, he has channeled his energy and concern for a better world into helping others tap into their truest callings. Dave is s a storytelling coach with a thoughtful podcast The New Story about the narratives that shape our time, and a therapist-in-training.
In this provocative conversation (Dave provoked me!), we dug deep into personal stories I haven’t shared in other interviews.
Dave titled the episode “What stigmas and stereotypes cost women” and it’s about that and much more.
We talked about:
–The kind of clients I find myself working with in my coaching practice: I’ve always attracted thoughtful women who don’t want to settle in life or relationships. More generally, I attract women who are asking the question, “What do I really want?” and want to get out of their heads and into their bodies to move beyond the social conditioning that often cuts us short from answering that big question.
–The personal story of how I got sucked into Silicon Valley during my thirties when I cofounded a street fashion startup and then got disillusioned and left the U.S. for Brazil, where I hoped that a more sensual culture would help me reconnect with my authentic self. We also talk about why my time in Silicon Valley was so alienating. I could see the writing on the wall about how social media was going to f#$@ all of us, in particular our ability to connect with ourselves.
–How feeling the drum of samba music in the streets and reconnecting with wildness in culture and nature helped me to cleanse my mind for a minute and feel present and alive
–Going with my body’s instincts vs. ticking off the box of what a professional woman in her thirties was supposed to do next (buy a condo, find a husband, etc., etc.)
–The treasured experience of quirkyalone solitude, and developing a mindful way of being in connection with yourself and others
–Making sense of the word “embodiment”
–How growing up in the Puritanical environment of Rhode Island shaped me and how I have been liberating myself from those influences ever since (and helping others to do the same).
–Coming back to New England as an adult and discovering the pockets of subcultural communities of resistance and aliveness formed in reaction to the dominant repressive culture. Whatever is violence-inducing will produce pockets of safety and community.
–The Scarlet Lettering that persists in our society when a woman seeks to embrace her sexuality and sensuality, and what this kind of rebellion and resistance feels like. I talk about how I help my clients to do that in a safe environment. Safety is a prerequisite to feel pleasure.
–Linguistic interventions of reclamation: How saying the word “pussy” out loud is a big deal for most women and can be a transformative path in and of itself. We talk about my new Turned-On Living group coaching program and how speaking that word has been a challenge for everyone in the group. We also talk about the joy and liberation that awaits us on the other side!
–Pussywalking, of course! And the difficult challenge of inserting the word “pussywalking” when I appeared on the Dr. Phil show on self-marriage in February (what a lost opportunity!). LOL. LOL. LOL.
–The need for a new word to connote strength in women. Don’t say we have balls when we are brave! What’s so strong about “balls” anyway? Ovaries is not going to work either, so what is it?
–Learning how to ask for what you want is about learning how to generate magic in the world
–Learning how to be your own best friend, and how this is a universal journey for all of us: men, women, and non-binary folks.
This was such a fun and lively conversation.
We both enjoyed it, and we hope you do too.
Let us know what you think in the comments!
And if you have a new word to suggest to connote female strength that comes from our sexual anatomy, we are all ears!
Bringing embodiment and self-love to the masses on the Dr. Phil show on self-marriage (!)
Being on the Dr. Phil show on self-marriage was a wild ride, to say the least
I said, “When I listen to you, I feel tense in my body,” to the conservative man they brought on to be my foil, I fell back on all my somatic coaching training because I was truly at a loss for what to say with all the nonsense coming out of his mouth about people marrying animals!
In the end, I inadvertently brought the messages of embodiment into the conversation. When we connect with what we feel in our bodies, we are speaking an inarguable truth without resorting to contempt or defensiveness.
I am happy to have brought that message into the world–it’s key to my work as a life coach, as a writer, and my life!
Sonya and Danni, the two other women who appeared on the show to share their stories are truly spectacular.
Together we helped to show that what at first seems like a weird idea really is not.
In this post, I have only scratched the surface of what I want to tell you about this experience so far. When I have a chance to catch my breath, I will write up a full behind-the-scenes blog post on how this all happened.
Be sure to sign up for my newsletter for the juicy stories that are yet to come about how this came to be, including backstage photos with the folks in hair, makeup, and wardrobe.
If you are interested in marrying yourself with guidance and support, you can work with me one-on-one or join the next cohort of my group coaching program Turned-On Living, where you get to enter into the process with the support of other women on the self-love journey.
And… let me know what you thought about the show!
Would love to hear any and all reactions! With a caveat: no hate tolerated. Any nasty comments on this blog post will be deleted.
With Sonya and Danni, the other two (fabulous) women guests who married themselves, on the Dr. Phil show. Thanks to assistant producer Kalley for the photo. I helped Kalley and her sister Camryn get engaged to themselves after the show!
Sue Aikens Talks @ Tango, Passion, and Still Pursuing the Dream in Buenos Aires (AKA my first celebrity interview!)
It was such an honor to interview Sue Aikens, star of National Geographic’s Life Below Zero, and an inspiring icon for independent women everywhere. When we shot this, I truly felt like I was doing my first episode of a celebrity talk show!
Sue came to Buenos Aires to learn tango with me and my team in January 2020. Three years later, we are finally getting this amazing video out there.
Sue is a beautiful, fascinating woman. She says so many powerful and delightful things in this interview. I love the way she talks about living a challenge-driven life. I can identify with that, having taken on so many adventures outside of my comfort zone over the years.
I also love her focus on pursuing dreams at every age. As she puts it, “I haven’t lost that yearning, simply because we grow up, and parts of our bodies sag, doesn’t mean that we can’t pursue the dream.”
What stands out for you here?
Conversations about Turned-On Living with Newsletter Subscribers
Talking about Turned-On Living… okay, not on Zoom, but you get the point…
Over the last two weeks, my calendar has been busy with Zoom calls talking with women about being part of Turned-On Living 2023, the new yearlong group coaching adventure that I will be leading starting in January.
It’s been a journey that I have enjoyed!
I’ve realized and newly appreciated that being both a writer and a life coach means I get to talk with people who have read my books. This is a gift.
For me, writing is about creating connection, and I love to further the connection by getting to know readers in coaching experiences.
I want to share with you some of the reasons that women have told me they want to be part of the Turned-On Living cohort. First I will tell you about who they are.
Most of the women I’ve been talking with have been following my work for years and many are longtime Quirkyalone readers. Others have been attracted by pussywalking, Wet, my work with tango, exploring intimacy and connection, and joy pleasure as a path of personal empowerment. They are mostly in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. I’ve had one chat with a very mature thirty-year-old woman.
There are all women who want to be part of an intentional group of women who want to make the most of life.
With their permission, I am sharing with you what they told me.
Maggie said, “Ever since meeting you and watching your journey through newsletters, I have wanted to engage in coaching or something else.
I want to center myself in pleasure and intention. I hope that this journey can help me live and act on the things I have been learning from books, mentors, and therapy.
By doing this with a group of other women in similar positions and different world views, I want my desires to evolve.”
Melissa told me, “I’m drawn to the idea of meeting and sharing with other women who are on the same wavelength.”
Another woman said, “I’m solid on my ability to do hard things, deal with challenges, get shit done. I am much more unsure how to feel embodied, sensual, easeful, and joyful.
I am freaked out about being single for the first time in five years. I vaguely want to start dating again but I am feeling disconnected from that part of myself. I would like to feel like the fun, sexy version of myself more often. She exists but has made relatively few appearances in the hard slog of the last few years.
I really appreciate the emphasis on pleasure and adventure, since those are two things I am hoping to create for myself.”
Kimberly said, “I live in my head. I want to live in my body and heart. The ‘kids’ at work call me badass, yet I lack perspective on my accomplishments and belittle them. (I should have an MFA and a couple novels under my belt by now, bangs the monkey in my brain.) Then I judge that, too. The pandemic made alienation and distance feel that much further.
In the whirl of my days, selfing (deserves to be a verb) is the first thing to go. Yet it is also the cushion that centers me and makes me feel alive. I’d like to upend this equation, then slice it up and see what’s inside.
I need accountability/camaraderie/new conversations. I feel like so often I’m catching up with friends and we are scratching the surface, telling family/work/health stories by rote. I want real connection, inner peace and outer freedom.
I want to feel like the days aren’t just rolling by one after the other without depth.”
Kate told me, “I feel like I’ve lived most of my life from a place of turned-on living. I’ve tried to live a passionate authentic life. I’m missing a community to share that with.
I’m single with no kids so I recognize that it may be easier for me to live this way. But I have hope that there are other people in the world who have chosen to live their life this way and want to share that and experience that with others.
So I guess I’m looking for community. And also for support in continuing to live this way and maybe inspiration and guidance to help me to expand.”
It’s been a beautiful experience to talk about the power of being part of such an intentional group. I’m excited about the adventure we will be co-creating.
Turned-On Living will be an opportunity to practice being open and vulnerable, to be known by others, and to learn how to both give and ask for support.
If you want to read more about what we will be doing, read this curriculum that lays out the topics we will be focusing on month-by-month.
A year is a long enough time to really get to know each other and form bonds. Who knows what lifelong friendships will be formed? What adventures will be had?
There is a possible retreat that will happen in the last quarter of the year. I am leaning toward doing an optional “Dancing in the Woods in Rhode Island” weekend during the foliage season.
There are a few more spots open.
I am taking these conversations seriously by talking in depth with each person.
Creating a group is an art… we are going to be together for a year! So I want this to be an amazing group.
I am wrapping up the final interview/application calls by the end of November.
These interviews need to be booked by the end of the month.
If being part of this cohort for 2023 is intriguing to you…
Go ahead and fill out this form to tell me about you.
We can begin the getting-to-know-each-other process to see if it’s a fit for Turned-On Living 2023.
May we connect in one way or another!
Sasha
Creating Space for Your Next Steps… A December Workshop
Are you burned out, or feeling stagnant at work?
Do you long for something different for your work life? Do you want to have a more heartfelt engagement with your work?
As I talk with my clients over the last two years, I notice that more and more of us are re-examining our choices after a multi-year pandemic.
But when you don’t know what you want to do next, and every day is a fire drill, it’s easy to get stuck … for months, or even years.
If this sounds like you, I would like to invite you to our 4-Hour Soulful Work Reboot workshop this December.
My friend and fellow coach Jade Strattner and I are bringing together a group of women with the shared goal of imagining next steps and new possibilities for 2023.
This workshop is for women who have traditionally been high-achievers, conscientious types who work hard to do and be their best–and are longing for fulfillment and balance in their work lives.
This will be an intimate space to get real, be open, share, and envision together.
We don’t imagine you will figure EVERYTHING out in four hours but you will get unstuck and invigorated on a path to follow in the coming year.
The Four-Hour Soulful Work Reboot will take place over two Saturdays, December 3 and 10, 12-2 pm.
We have separated the workshop into two (2) two-hour chunks because we have so much to share with you, and four hours on zoom is deadening!
The pause in between our sessions will give you time to reflect and ideate.
Expect to come away invigorated and inspired with concrete next steps you can follow up on in 2023.
What will we talk about?
- Our current experience with work
- How and why are we each redefining ambition
- What a heartfelt connection with work feels like for each of us
What will the experience be like?
- Embodied–Getting out of our heads and into our bodies
- Joyful–Express, learn, dance, and laugh
- Intimate and Supportive–Each workshop will be limited to 20 women, integrated with a pre- or post-Lab thirty-minute one-on-one mini coaching session to help you get the most value out of the group session.
Spaces are limited (20 women max) so don’t delay to sign up.
If you are interested, and unsure if this is right for you, send me an email about your personal situation.
I’ll read it over and let you know if this is a match for you.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Some Reflections on “Selling”
I had an interesting experience last week when talking with a woman about joining Turned-On Living, my group coaching program for 2023. This is something very new and exciting to bring together a cohort to explore a year of “turned-on living” together.
She asked me to “sell her” on it and I noticed that I froze up when she made that request. I never want to feel like I am “selling” anyone on anything I am offering, whether it’s coaching, an online course, the Tango Adventure (not offering it now, but I spent years “selling” that), or anything I am doing. I want people to want to do whatever I am offering. It’s a little bit like romance: if we are dating, I want you to want me. I don’t want to sell you on the value of dating me!
After our call, however, I reflected. I joined a yearlong business coaching program for 2022, which is in part what has inspired me to offer a yearlong program myself. Meg, the woman who runs the program, in my view, “sold” me on joining by painting a picture that showed me I could learn how to work on my book and grow my business at the same time (for years I thought I couldn’t do both and focused exclusively on the memoir while maintaining the same offerings).
I am now grateful that Meg “sold” me on that vision because, in fact, I have been able to do both in 2022, and that was a breakthrough. Many other wonderful things have happened as a result of my participation in that group business coaching container, and the decision to join has changed me and my life for the better–really for the rest of my life. Now I look back and see her as taking a stand for me and my growth.
So I realized that I could “sell” this person on the experience. I wrote her a longish email spelling out what I saw for her, based on my own experience of being part of such a group. Because I actually do believe that being part of my program will change her life for the better. She has told me what she wants out of it, and I believe she will get those things, and more. Also I really do believe that being part of such a group is in and of itself a transformative experience, and that we need to feel solidarity in all these tender, vulnerable places where we are often shamed and feel alone. And there will simply be so much upward spiral with a group of women supporting each other to live a turned-on life!
Entrepreneurship–or being a freelancer, or doing anything creative in the world–is such a journey that requires everything. No paycheck is dropped into the bank account regularly. You/I have to stand up for your own value and create what you want to offer for the world, and then, yes, SELL people on it. Now I feel really glad that this woman asked me to sell her, and that I found my way to feeling good about doing that. “Selling” can have a connotation of lying. It can evoke desperation. I certainly felt that way when I worked in more traditional business roles for a tech company. But in the end, I was telling the truth as I see it. It’s liberating to stand in that space and fully own the value of what I am offering.
I hope these reflections can help you stand in the value of what you are offering to the world too!
Talking about Getting WET on Virgin.Beauty.Bitch (new podcast!)
So excited to share this recently recorded podcast with you…
Christopher and Heather of Virgin.Beauty.Bitch are all about unpacking female stereotypes and creating a space where women are not afraid to be defiantly different. In other words, the hosts of this podcast are right on. This might be the most fun interview I have recorded, ever.
We start with that time in my mid-thirties when I was trying to get serious about being a woman, when expectations mount. I was trying complete the mandates of adulthood.
All that stuff like finding a partner in time to have a child (cue the biological clock ticking), saving to purchase a home, and funding my retirement account.
The time pressure was making me dry, so I decided to escape Silicon Valley and ran away to South America to get WET (aka find myself and happiness again by listening to my body’s desires), despite my quite persistent fears that I might be totally fucking up my life.
The themes of WET are focused on a woman’s journey to rediscover pleasure and joy. Prioritizing joy and pleasure shouldn’t be revolutionary because we should all feel free to seek out a beautiful life for ourselves and a daily experience of enjoyment without shame. But it is indeed revolutionary in a world where women are expected to drop their own needs to put others first and to accomplish certain milestones above all else.
We started off this way, with Christopher asking, “Now Sasha, Wet. It’s the name of your memoir, a story about healing through sensuality. But let’s rewind the story to when sensuality and your body might have been the last place you looked to find personal power. Who was that woman? And what’s on earth happened to her?”
We talk about:
- The fear that our lives are not working because we haven’t achieved some arbitrary line of success and all the gears get tripped up. We need WD-40! We need to be lubricated! We need to get WET.
- Why a big part of my message is about inspiring women to connect with their bodies and pleasure for their empowerment, and confidence, and to accompany their healing journeys from past trauma
- The importance of speaking up for yourself and what you want in bed with your partner–and how that connects to your empowerment in general
- What turned-on living means to me (not just sexually)
- My take unpacking the archetypes of Beauty, Virgin, and Bitch for women. I am particularly drawn to reclaiming the “bitch” to reclaim anger.
Would love to hear what resonates for you in this podcast.
You can listen at the top of this post, or click here to the podcast on Apple podcasts.
After you listen, leave a comment or send an email!
xo Sasha
P.S. If the intimacy of this conversation appeals to you, and you want to be part of similar conversations in your own life, you should absolutely check out my new yearlong group coaching program Turned-On Living 2023. I am curating a small cohort of women and talking with each person to create the group. We start in January for a year of turned-on living. It’s going to be amazing.
Want to know more about Turned-On Living? Click here.
Spaces are limited … so if this catches your interest to know more then apply by telling me about you and what you would like to get out of this yearlong program (adventure) here.
Connecting with Your Body: The Surprising Way to Channel Your Most Brilliant Self
Alert fellow lovers of exploring body-mind connection!
We talk about getting out of our heads and into our bodies….but why? Why is that important?
On Friday, September 16 at 2 pm, I am giving a keynote address at the Providence, RI Women’s Business Summit with my own answer to that question.
I’ll be talking about “Connecting with Your Body: The Surprising Way to Channel Your Most Brilliant Self.”
Since the pandemic, so many of us are feeling disconnected from our bodies in these long days staring straight ahead at screens… we start to feel lifeless, even trapped in our chairs.
So how can connecting with your body (aka methods such as @p_ssywalking) help with your confidence for a job interview or a dating event? Or figuring out the next move in your career? Or simply to feel alive?
I will be talking about how I use body connection in my own career and personal life and how my clients do too.
This Friday 2 pm event is free. The link to sign up is HERE, so come join us.
I will be the first speaker among some other interesting women, including a professor from Brown University who will be talking about life as a roller coaster. Yes.
The event will be recorded so we will share the video with you later!
Any questions, put them in the comments. Hope to see you there!
Blog Fulllwidth
Are you “too nice”?
This month in my yearlong small group coaching program Turned-On Living we are looking at patterns of being “nice” and perhaps “too nice.” We are looking at whether ”nice” is honest.
May is the Anti-People Pleasing month in Turned-On Living. Every month has a theme in service of creating a turned-on life.
For sure learning how to say no is necessary to say yes to life and what you really want. And speaking up is required to live a healthy life.
And yet it is not easy to change these patterns. I have struggled with elements of people-pleasing my whole life. I’m getting better every year at being real and am so enjoying being with a group of women on this yearlong journey.
How about you? Are you sometimes “too nice”? And does becoming less nice mean “toughening up” or just loving yourself more?
If you want to look at your own people-pleasing patterns, and what it takes to change them, I highly recommend these resources:
- The book Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… and Start Speaking Up, Staying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself by Aziz Gazipura. You can find Not Nice and all the other great books we are using during our yearlong journey on the Turned-On Living 2023 Bookshop.org list. (Shout out to Bookshop.org, a socially conscious way to buy books online and support indie bookstores!)
- This piece on Chief.com, which has hit home for a few of my coaching clients: Respect Me, Maybe? How ‘Soft’ Language Could Be Hurting Your Career. I work as a Guide for Chief, so I get a lot of their great content in my email inbox, and like to pass along the best wisdom.
- From Kara Loewentheil of Unfuck Your Brain, this podcast episode on people-pleasing.
All of these resources will provoke you. Books and podcasts are great, and…
If you want one-on-one support to work through your people-pleasing patterns in service of your turned-on life, you can reach out to see if I have space for a new client in my coaching practice.
If you would like to do this work with a group of awesome women dedicated to their own personal growth, you can put yourself on the waiting list for the next cohort of Turned-On Living. I will start talking with folks in September to form another special group to kick off in 2024.
Thoughts? Leave them in the comments!
Dear Dr. Phil: Why you should have me on your show about self-marriage
As I’m preparing to write my behind-the-scenes blog post about being on Dr. Phil (not using Chat GPT, which I am still resisting!), I uploaded this video to YouTube.
After our initial phone call, the producers asked me to make a video telling Dr. Phil why they should have me on the show as a guest expert. This four-minute chat into the camera is what I sent.
I got to say many more substantial things in my “audition” video than on the actual show!
The story of how the producers found me and what it was like to be flown out to LA to be on Dr. Phil will be coming soon.
I’ve been busy with my move into a new home, but now there are only three more boxes to unpack.
I am excited to get back into my writerly creative flow and share the backstory with you. Stay tuned. It’s my intention for my own Turned-On Life to do a lot more authentic, personal essayish writing this year.
P.S. This month in Turned-On Living, my group coaching program based on everything I have learned for coaching women for the last twelve years, we are moving into the topic of ANTI-PEOPLE-PLEASING.
It’s time to learn how to live from desire rather than obligation.
If you too are one of those “too nice” women who is ready to learn how to be kind to others while also being true to yourself, and you are curious to be considered for the next cohort of Turned-On Living, leave your email here to begin the conversation.
A podcast about listening to the body to make big life decisions, overcoming New England Puritanism, and more
It was a massive pleasure to talk with fellow Rhode Islander Dave Ursillo for his podcast the New Story.
In Dave’s former life, he was, according to his LinkedIn profile, “a political insider, policy nerd and aspiring Presidential speechwriter at governmental offices on state and Federal levels, including the White House Council on Environmental Quality in 2008 and for a gubernatorial candidate in 2009.”
Now, like me, he has channeled his energy and concern for a better world into helping others tap into their truest callings. Dave is s a storytelling coach with a thoughtful podcast The New Story about the narratives that shape our time, and a therapist-in-training.
In this provocative conversation (Dave provoked me!), we dug deep into personal stories I haven’t shared in other interviews.
Dave titled the episode “What stigmas and stereotypes cost women” and it’s about that and much more.
We talked about:
–The kind of clients I find myself working with in my coaching practice: I’ve always attracted thoughtful women who don’t want to settle in life or relationships. More generally, I attract women who are asking the question, “What do I really want?” and want to get out of their heads and into their bodies to move beyond the social conditioning that often cuts us short from answering that big question.
–The personal story of how I got sucked into Silicon Valley during my thirties when I cofounded a street fashion startup and then got disillusioned and left the U.S. for Brazil, where I hoped that a more sensual culture would help me reconnect with my authentic self. We also talk about why my time in Silicon Valley was so alienating. I could see the writing on the wall about how social media was going to f#$@ all of us, in particular our ability to connect with ourselves.
–How feeling the drum of samba music in the streets and reconnecting with wildness in culture and nature helped me to cleanse my mind for a minute and feel present and alive
–Going with my body’s instincts vs. ticking off the box of what a professional woman in her thirties was supposed to do next (buy a condo, find a husband, etc., etc.)
–The treasured experience of quirkyalone solitude, and developing a mindful way of being in connection with yourself and others
–Making sense of the word “embodiment”
–How growing up in the Puritanical environment of Rhode Island shaped me and how I have been liberating myself from those influences ever since (and helping others to do the same).
–Coming back to New England as an adult and discovering the pockets of subcultural communities of resistance and aliveness formed in reaction to the dominant repressive culture. Whatever is violence-inducing will produce pockets of safety and community.
–The Scarlet Lettering that persists in our society when a woman seeks to embrace her sexuality and sensuality, and what this kind of rebellion and resistance feels like. I talk about how I help my clients to do that in a safe environment. Safety is a prerequisite to feel pleasure.
–Linguistic interventions of reclamation: How saying the word “pussy” out loud is a big deal for most women and can be a transformative path in and of itself. We talk about my new Turned-On Living group coaching program and how speaking that word has been a challenge for everyone in the group. We also talk about the joy and liberation that awaits us on the other side!
–Pussywalking, of course! And the difficult challenge of inserting the word “pussywalking” when I appeared on the Dr. Phil show on self-marriage in February (what a lost opportunity!). LOL. LOL. LOL.
–The need for a new word to connote strength in women. Don’t say we have balls when we are brave! What’s so strong about “balls” anyway? Ovaries is not going to work either, so what is it?
–Learning how to ask for what you want is about learning how to generate magic in the world
–Learning how to be your own best friend, and how this is a universal journey for all of us: men, women, and non-binary folks.
This was such a fun and lively conversation.
We both enjoyed it, and we hope you do too.
Let us know what you think in the comments!
And if you have a new word to suggest to connote female strength that comes from our sexual anatomy, we are all ears!
Bringing embodiment and self-love to the masses on the Dr. Phil show on self-marriage (!)
Being on the Dr. Phil show on self-marriage was a wild ride, to say the least
I said, “When I listen to you, I feel tense in my body,” to the conservative man they brought on to be my foil, I fell back on all my somatic coaching training because I was truly at a loss for what to say with all the nonsense coming out of his mouth about people marrying animals!
In the end, I inadvertently brought the messages of embodiment into the conversation. When we connect with what we feel in our bodies, we are speaking an inarguable truth without resorting to contempt or defensiveness.
I am happy to have brought that message into the world–it’s key to my work as a life coach, as a writer, and my life!
Sonya and Danni, the two other women who appeared on the show to share their stories are truly spectacular.
Together we helped to show that what at first seems like a weird idea really is not.
In this post, I have only scratched the surface of what I want to tell you about this experience so far. When I have a chance to catch my breath, I will write up a full behind-the-scenes blog post on how this all happened.
Be sure to sign up for my newsletter for the juicy stories that are yet to come about how this came to be, including backstage photos with the folks in hair, makeup, and wardrobe.
If you are interested in marrying yourself with guidance and support, you can work with me one-on-one or join the next cohort of my group coaching program Turned-On Living, where you get to enter into the process with the support of other women on the self-love journey.
And… let me know what you thought about the show!
Would love to hear any and all reactions! With a caveat: no hate tolerated. Any nasty comments on this blog post will be deleted.
With Sonya and Danni, the other two (fabulous) women guests who married themselves, on the Dr. Phil show. Thanks to assistant producer Kalley for the photo. I helped Kalley and her sister Camryn get engaged to themselves after the show!
Sue Aikens Talks @ Tango, Passion, and Still Pursuing the Dream in Buenos Aires (AKA my first celebrity interview!)
It was such an honor to interview Sue Aikens, star of National Geographic’s Life Below Zero, and an inspiring icon for independent women everywhere. When we shot this, I truly felt like I was doing my first episode of a celebrity talk show!
Sue came to Buenos Aires to learn tango with me and my team in January 2020. Three years later, we are finally getting this amazing video out there.
Sue is a beautiful, fascinating woman. She says so many powerful and delightful things in this interview. I love the way she talks about living a challenge-driven life. I can identify with that, having taken on so many adventures outside of my comfort zone over the years.
I also love her focus on pursuing dreams at every age. As she puts it, “I haven’t lost that yearning, simply because we grow up, and parts of our bodies sag, doesn’t mean that we can’t pursue the dream.”
What stands out for you here?
Conversations about Turned-On Living with Newsletter Subscribers
Talking about Turned-On Living… okay, not on Zoom, but you get the point…
Over the last two weeks, my calendar has been busy with Zoom calls talking with women about being part of Turned-On Living 2023, the new yearlong group coaching adventure that I will be leading starting in January.
It’s been a journey that I have enjoyed!
I’ve realized and newly appreciated that being both a writer and a life coach means I get to talk with people who have read my books. This is a gift.
For me, writing is about creating connection, and I love to further the connection by getting to know readers in coaching experiences.
I want to share with you some of the reasons that women have told me they want to be part of the Turned-On Living cohort. First I will tell you about who they are.
Most of the women I’ve been talking with have been following my work for years and many are longtime Quirkyalone readers. Others have been attracted by pussywalking, Wet, my work with tango, exploring intimacy and connection, and joy pleasure as a path of personal empowerment. They are mostly in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. I’ve had one chat with a very mature thirty-year-old woman.
There are all women who want to be part of an intentional group of women who want to make the most of life.
With their permission, I am sharing with you what they told me.
Maggie said, “Ever since meeting you and watching your journey through newsletters, I have wanted to engage in coaching or something else.
I want to center myself in pleasure and intention. I hope that this journey can help me live and act on the things I have been learning from books, mentors, and therapy.
By doing this with a group of other women in similar positions and different world views, I want my desires to evolve.”
Melissa told me, “I’m drawn to the idea of meeting and sharing with other women who are on the same wavelength.”
Another woman said, “I’m solid on my ability to do hard things, deal with challenges, get shit done. I am much more unsure how to feel embodied, sensual, easeful, and joyful.
I am freaked out about being single for the first time in five years. I vaguely want to start dating again but I am feeling disconnected from that part of myself. I would like to feel like the fun, sexy version of myself more often. She exists but has made relatively few appearances in the hard slog of the last few years.
I really appreciate the emphasis on pleasure and adventure, since those are two things I am hoping to create for myself.”
Kimberly said, “I live in my head. I want to live in my body and heart. The ‘kids’ at work call me badass, yet I lack perspective on my accomplishments and belittle them. (I should have an MFA and a couple novels under my belt by now, bangs the monkey in my brain.) Then I judge that, too. The pandemic made alienation and distance feel that much further.
In the whirl of my days, selfing (deserves to be a verb) is the first thing to go. Yet it is also the cushion that centers me and makes me feel alive. I’d like to upend this equation, then slice it up and see what’s inside.
I need accountability/camaraderie/new conversations. I feel like so often I’m catching up with friends and we are scratching the surface, telling family/work/health stories by rote. I want real connection, inner peace and outer freedom.
I want to feel like the days aren’t just rolling by one after the other without depth.”
Kate told me, “I feel like I’ve lived most of my life from a place of turned-on living. I’ve tried to live a passionate authentic life. I’m missing a community to share that with.
I’m single with no kids so I recognize that it may be easier for me to live this way. But I have hope that there are other people in the world who have chosen to live their life this way and want to share that and experience that with others.
So I guess I’m looking for community. And also for support in continuing to live this way and maybe inspiration and guidance to help me to expand.”
It’s been a beautiful experience to talk about the power of being part of such an intentional group. I’m excited about the adventure we will be co-creating.
Turned-On Living will be an opportunity to practice being open and vulnerable, to be known by others, and to learn how to both give and ask for support.
If you want to read more about what we will be doing, read this curriculum that lays out the topics we will be focusing on month-by-month.
A year is a long enough time to really get to know each other and form bonds. Who knows what lifelong friendships will be formed? What adventures will be had?
There is a possible retreat that will happen in the last quarter of the year. I am leaning toward doing an optional “Dancing in the Woods in Rhode Island” weekend during the foliage season.
There are a few more spots open.
I am taking these conversations seriously by talking in depth with each person.
Creating a group is an art… we are going to be together for a year! So I want this to be an amazing group.
I am wrapping up the final interview/application calls by the end of November.
These interviews need to be booked by the end of the month.
If being part of this cohort for 2023 is intriguing to you…
Go ahead and fill out this form to tell me about you.
We can begin the getting-to-know-each-other process to see if it’s a fit for Turned-On Living 2023.
May we connect in one way or another!
Sasha
Creating Space for Your Next Steps… A December Workshop
Are you burned out, or feeling stagnant at work?
Do you long for something different for your work life? Do you want to have a more heartfelt engagement with your work?
As I talk with my clients over the last two years, I notice that more and more of us are re-examining our choices after a multi-year pandemic.
But when you don’t know what you want to do next, and every day is a fire drill, it’s easy to get stuck … for months, or even years.
If this sounds like you, I would like to invite you to our 4-Hour Soulful Work Reboot workshop this December.
My friend and fellow coach Jade Strattner and I are bringing together a group of women with the shared goal of imagining next steps and new possibilities for 2023.
This workshop is for women who have traditionally been high-achievers, conscientious types who work hard to do and be their best–and are longing for fulfillment and balance in their work lives.
This will be an intimate space to get real, be open, share, and envision together.
We don’t imagine you will figure EVERYTHING out in four hours but you will get unstuck and invigorated on a path to follow in the coming year.
The Four-Hour Soulful Work Reboot will take place over two Saturdays, December 3 and 10, 12-2 pm.
We have separated the workshop into two (2) two-hour chunks because we have so much to share with you, and four hours on zoom is deadening!
The pause in between our sessions will give you time to reflect and ideate.
Expect to come away invigorated and inspired with concrete next steps you can follow up on in 2023.
What will we talk about?
- Our current experience with work
- How and why are we each redefining ambition
- What a heartfelt connection with work feels like for each of us
What will the experience be like?
- Embodied–Getting out of our heads and into our bodies
- Joyful–Express, learn, dance, and laugh
- Intimate and Supportive–Each workshop will be limited to 20 women, integrated with a pre- or post-Lab thirty-minute one-on-one mini coaching session to help you get the most value out of the group session.
Spaces are limited (20 women max) so don’t delay to sign up.
If you are interested, and unsure if this is right for you, send me an email about your personal situation.
I’ll read it over and let you know if this is a match for you.
Look forward to hearing from you!
Some Reflections on “Selling”
I had an interesting experience last week when talking with a woman about joining Turned-On Living, my group coaching program for 2023. This is something very new and exciting to bring together a cohort to explore a year of “turned-on living” together.
She asked me to “sell her” on it and I noticed that I froze up when she made that request. I never want to feel like I am “selling” anyone on anything I am offering, whether it’s coaching, an online course, the Tango Adventure (not offering it now, but I spent years “selling” that), or anything I am doing. I want people to want to do whatever I am offering. It’s a little bit like romance: if we are dating, I want you to want me. I don’t want to sell you on the value of dating me!
After our call, however, I reflected. I joined a yearlong business coaching program for 2022, which is in part what has inspired me to offer a yearlong program myself. Meg, the woman who runs the program, in my view, “sold” me on joining by painting a picture that showed me I could learn how to work on my book and grow my business at the same time (for years I thought I couldn’t do both and focused exclusively on the memoir while maintaining the same offerings).
I am now grateful that Meg “sold” me on that vision because, in fact, I have been able to do both in 2022, and that was a breakthrough. Many other wonderful things have happened as a result of my participation in that group business coaching container, and the decision to join has changed me and my life for the better–really for the rest of my life. Now I look back and see her as taking a stand for me and my growth.
So I realized that I could “sell” this person on the experience. I wrote her a longish email spelling out what I saw for her, based on my own experience of being part of such a group. Because I actually do believe that being part of my program will change her life for the better. She has told me what she wants out of it, and I believe she will get those things, and more. Also I really do believe that being part of such a group is in and of itself a transformative experience, and that we need to feel solidarity in all these tender, vulnerable places where we are often shamed and feel alone. And there will simply be so much upward spiral with a group of women supporting each other to live a turned-on life!
Entrepreneurship–or being a freelancer, or doing anything creative in the world–is such a journey that requires everything. No paycheck is dropped into the bank account regularly. You/I have to stand up for your own value and create what you want to offer for the world, and then, yes, SELL people on it. Now I feel really glad that this woman asked me to sell her, and that I found my way to feeling good about doing that. “Selling” can have a connotation of lying. It can evoke desperation. I certainly felt that way when I worked in more traditional business roles for a tech company. But in the end, I was telling the truth as I see it. It’s liberating to stand in that space and fully own the value of what I am offering.
I hope these reflections can help you stand in the value of what you are offering to the world too!
Talking about Getting WET on Virgin.Beauty.Bitch (new podcast!)
So excited to share this recently recorded podcast with you…
Christopher and Heather of Virgin.Beauty.Bitch are all about unpacking female stereotypes and creating a space where women are not afraid to be defiantly different. In other words, the hosts of this podcast are right on. This might be the most fun interview I have recorded, ever.
We start with that time in my mid-thirties when I was trying to get serious about being a woman, when expectations mount. I was trying complete the mandates of adulthood.
All that stuff like finding a partner in time to have a child (cue the biological clock ticking), saving to purchase a home, and funding my retirement account.
The time pressure was making me dry, so I decided to escape Silicon Valley and ran away to South America to get WET (aka find myself and happiness again by listening to my body’s desires), despite my quite persistent fears that I might be totally fucking up my life.
The themes of WET are focused on a woman’s journey to rediscover pleasure and joy. Prioritizing joy and pleasure shouldn’t be revolutionary because we should all feel free to seek out a beautiful life for ourselves and a daily experience of enjoyment without shame. But it is indeed revolutionary in a world where women are expected to drop their own needs to put others first and to accomplish certain milestones above all else.
We started off this way, with Christopher asking, “Now Sasha, Wet. It’s the name of your memoir, a story about healing through sensuality. But let’s rewind the story to when sensuality and your body might have been the last place you looked to find personal power. Who was that woman? And what’s on earth happened to her?”
We talk about:
- The fear that our lives are not working because we haven’t achieved some arbitrary line of success and all the gears get tripped up. We need WD-40! We need to be lubricated! We need to get WET.
- Why a big part of my message is about inspiring women to connect with their bodies and pleasure for their empowerment, and confidence, and to accompany their healing journeys from past trauma
- The importance of speaking up for yourself and what you want in bed with your partner–and how that connects to your empowerment in general
- What turned-on living means to me (not just sexually)
- My take unpacking the archetypes of Beauty, Virgin, and Bitch for women. I am particularly drawn to reclaiming the “bitch” to reclaim anger.
Would love to hear what resonates for you in this podcast.
You can listen at the top of this post, or click here to the podcast on Apple podcasts.
After you listen, leave a comment or send an email!
xo Sasha
P.S. If the intimacy of this conversation appeals to you, and you want to be part of similar conversations in your own life, you should absolutely check out my new yearlong group coaching program Turned-On Living 2023. I am curating a small cohort of women and talking with each person to create the group. We start in January for a year of turned-on living. It’s going to be amazing.
Want to know more about Turned-On Living? Click here.
Spaces are limited … so if this catches your interest to know more then apply by telling me about you and what you would like to get out of this yearlong program (adventure) here.
Connecting with Your Body: The Surprising Way to Channel Your Most Brilliant Self
Alert fellow lovers of exploring body-mind connection!
We talk about getting out of our heads and into our bodies….but why? Why is that important?
On Friday, September 16 at 2 pm, I am giving a keynote address at the Providence, RI Women’s Business Summit with my own answer to that question.
I’ll be talking about “Connecting with Your Body: The Surprising Way to Channel Your Most Brilliant Self.”
Since the pandemic, so many of us are feeling disconnected from our bodies in these long days staring straight ahead at screens… we start to feel lifeless, even trapped in our chairs.
So how can connecting with your body (aka methods such as @p_ssywalking) help with your confidence for a job interview or a dating event? Or figuring out the next move in your career? Or simply to feel alive?
I will be talking about how I use body connection in my own career and personal life and how my clients do too.
This Friday 2 pm event is free. The link to sign up is HERE, so come join us.
I will be the first speaker among some other interesting women, including a professor from Brown University who will be talking about life as a roller coaster. Yes.
The event will be recorded so we will share the video with you later!
Any questions, put them in the comments. Hope to see you there!
Hi! I’m Sasha
Executive and Life Coach on a mission to help women connect with their bodies to live their best lives + do their best work. Author: of Quirkyalone + To-Do List. Forthcoming: WET.
The best way to stay in touch is to sign up for my newsletter. See you in your inbox!
