Quirkyalone and Childfree on the Maybe Someday Podcast

I was delighted to be a guest on Sarah Dobson’s podcast Maybe Someday. What is Maybe Someday all about? Ambivalence: specifically ambivalence about the question of motherhood. Sarah is spot on when she says that we have few spaces in our culture to delve into the murky mix of contradictory feelings that many of us feel about parenthood. Or relationship for that matter. I love that she has created this space and invited me to be part of it with her.

This topic of motherhood ambivalence is close to my heart because I spent so many years in deep consideration about whether I wanted to be a mother enough to make it happen if I didn’t meet a partner in time to be a “biological mother.” In my work with my mostly women coaching clients since 2013, the question of motherhood has come up a number of times.

I have so much compassion for women who are wondering, “What’s going to happen? Is this going to happen?” between the ages of 35 and 40 when the pressure to find a partner and figure this all out in time before the fertility clock runs out seriously rears its head. I often think of this time as a passageway of the soul because if we don’t have kids, we need to create other ways to fill our time and create meaning for our lives. 

If you are in the midst of living this question, I highly recommend you give this one a listen.

Here are some of the things we talked about:

–how I dealt with the pressure of the biological clock–and how that tied into being quirkyalone (and not wanting to settle)

–that fear that you won’t know the true meaning of love if you don’t become a mother, or that being a mother is the pinnacle of womanhood, etc. All that stuff!

–the wistfulness of looking at friends’ family photos on Instagram

–how confronting our fertility expiration dates affects our experience of dating  

–the restlessness that may come up for women at 35 if they haven’t fulfilled the societal mandates of getting married and having children–the feeling that something has to change 

–how climate change put the nail in the coffin of my ambivalence about motherhood

–on a personal note, the awkward conversations that come up on a first date when you’re the queen of quirkyalones (ha, yes, it can be awkward)

Give it a listen and leave us a comment about your own experience of motherhood (or fatherhood) ambivalence, if you have been through this passageway of the soul too…

Emma Watson, quirkyalone?

 

 

Yesterday my inbox (all the inboxes, email and social media) exploded with messages with people sending me this CNN story about Emma Watson’s interview in Vogue where she says she prefers “self-partnered” to “single.” The interview will be published November 8 as she approaches her 30th birthday with all the pressures that milestone brings on.

All the messages said the interview reminded them of my work!

Is actress and activist Emma Watson a quirkyalone? She certainly sounds like one. I think we can very safely add her to the list. I’ll be doing an updated Quirkyalone soon so we’ll include Emma in the new celebrity directory.

Being self-partnered calls to mind the value of becoming a true partner to yourself when you marry yourself too so the language works with both concepts. In a self-marriage ceremony you write vows to yourself about how you will love and accept yourself, and have your own back.

Taking it a step further with Emma’s twist on the language, after you marry yourself you can declare yourself self-partnered. Really, doesn’t this make sense? Who would not want to be a partner to yourself? Even if you have a wonderful life partner wouldn’t it be nice to partner with yourself too?

If you’re not self-partnered doesn’t it sound like you are at war with yourself? As I think of it more, when I coach people I am helping them become self-partnered: for yourself rather than against yourself. That’s the bottom line.

Being quirkyalone certainly doesn’t mean that you only want to be alone, or don’t need love and companionship. It means you have standards and you prefer to be alone rather than settle. I don’t think self-partnered means that either. None of us can really go it alone in life, and many of us quirkyalone types want a deep intimate partnership as well as closer friendships and family relationships.

Being quirkyalone is about living your life fully with a partner or not. Not shying away from opportunities because you don’t have a significant other to share them with, and knowing that you are worthy and complete in a relationship or not. I imagine being self-partnered would be just the same. You’d be better prepared to partner with others without hanging on them for needs they can’t ultimately fulfill for you, and that only you can do for yourself. You’ll be better able to date and connect with others in a healthy way — with love!

Of course this is an ideal. We quirkyalones are human too, and we also screw ourselves up with self-doubt, get terribly lonely at times, and sometimes aren’t sure at all what to make of the insane dating jungle out there, but we just can’t fake it. We always want to come back to these kinds of ideals even if it’s not easy.

Self-partnered, or quirkyalone, or quirkytogether. Welcome Emma, we think you are part of our tribe.

Meet three inspiring women soon to be on the loose for Tango Adventures in Buenos Aires. These are our Solo Chica Launch Contest Winners!

Meet three inspiring women soon to be on the loose for Tango Adventures in Buenos Aires. These are our Solo Chica Launch Contest Winners!

Have you ever dreamed of getting away from everyone you know and going on an adventure where you get to try on new sides of yourself and learn something new? The magic happens outside of the comfort zone. First you may need some support to step out of your comfort zone.

Solo Chica is designed to help you do just that–get on a plane, go somewhere new, and learn something new in a safe, contained way because you have our curated Itinerary and supportive program to guide you. You won’t be figuring this all out on your own.

We are super excited to officially launching the Solo Chica Tango Adventure in Buenos Aires with the stories of three women (American and British) who are soon to embark on an international growth adventure with our team.

In the contest, we asked them why we should choose them to receive extra support in a free coaching session with me (Sasha) and why we should choose them to be the new face of Solo Chica in a free three-hour Tango Goddess Photo Shoot (value $499) with a photographer who shoots for Netlix.

  • We chose Kelly as our Grand Prize winner because she wants to help us show that tango can be for every body type, and racial/ethnic background. We think that message is so important. 
  • We chose Cathy because she told us she wants to reimagine womanhood with a partner or not, and to heal regrets about not being a mother. And she is a priest! We needed to have her on board.
  • We chose Justyn because she is a two-time cancer survivor who uses all her life experiences and learnings to inspire others to use their own powers to heal themselves through the Brave Souls Project.

Two are total beginners. One is an advanced beginner. All three women are taking a leap outside their comfort zones to learn a dance in a city where they know no one–until now. Here are some of the people they are about to meet.

 

So who are these brave Solo Chicas?

Here are their stories. 

Kelly Macias, Washington, DC, Grand Prize Winner of a coaching session with Sasha and a Tango Goddess Photo Shoot (value $500)

In Kelly’s words: “I’m a writer and a consultant and my consulting practice is focused on supporting organizations to increase their racial and gender equity so that they can do social justice work in the world. I would describe myself as a dreamer—I’m much more interested in possibilities, creating and building new things and developing what could be than by feeling limited by what actually is.”

Kelly’s Tango: “I would say that I’m an advanced beginner. I’ve been having a love affair with tango since 2004 but it is currently an unrequited love because I’ve been inconsistent. I’ve taken group lessons, privates, workshops over the last 15 years but sporadically. I enjoy salsa, bachata, merengue and hip hop. If money were not an issue, I’d have given up my work long ago and moved to Buenos Aires to pursue my dream of being a tango star!”

Why should we choose you for the launch contest to receive this extra free coaching support?  “I’ve spent the last few years feeling very disconnected from my sexuality, sensuality and feminine energy, as a whole. I would the opportunity to get support in exploring it.

I would be an enthusiastic ambassador for the program and could imagine partnering with Sola Chica in some way to promote diversity (racial/ethnic, body type, career, etc). within the program. I’m already sold on what a great and transformative experience this could be and I’d want to spread the word so that folks know that tango really is for everybody and every body type!“

What would it mean for you to rediscover the Tango Goddess in you through the photo shoot? “Like many working women in their forties, I’ve been busy focusing on my career for the last several years. The stress of trying to be successful in a hectic society centered around class and patriarchy and white supremacy has taken its toll. I’m no longer as carefree or vulnerable as I used to be.

Add technology and social media to the mix, and it has meant that I spend most of my time in front of a computer screen than tending to my intimate relationships. I want to connect back to my vulnerability and sensuality and joy and think that the Tango Goddess photo shoot is a way to liberate myself from all that has been weighing me down.”

What else would you like to discover through this experience? “I want to have multiple tangasms and discover pleasure, intimacy, and connection through my lived experiences!”

We are all for it. We are excited to have Kelly in Buenos Aires for her Solo Chica Tango Adventure and for the Tango in Paradise weekend in Escobar in November…and we can’t wait to see her Tango Goddess pictures.

Check out Kelly’s website, and be sure to follow Kelly on Instagram for her Tango Adventure in Buenos Aires. 

Cathy Mark, London UK, winner of a coaching session with Sasha

Tell us more about you; “I am a menopausal priest on a journey of healing and rediscovery as I work towards accepting that I may never find ‘the one’ to settle down with and I will now never have biological children of my own. I want to rediscover love, light and laughter in a self-affirming way.”

Describe your tango experience: “Total beginner.”

What else would you like to discover through this experience: “Learn to love myself again. Learn to forgive myself. Learn to laugh again.”

Cathy will be coming from the UK. She loves traveling and her favorite destination to date is Sri Lanka. She also recently visited Finland and Morocco.

Cathy is coming in 2020. As we develop the Solo Chica program, we may develop an email list that lets people connect with other Solo Chicas who want to adventure together. We are excited to welcome Cathy and see how her adventure unfolds!

Justyn Livingston, Bend, Oregon, Winner of a coaching session with Sasha

Tell us about you: “I am an artist, painter, former professional ice-skater, and meditation teacher/coach.  I am thriving after two cancer diagnoses, and have been doing deep inner work with Dr Joe Dispenza. It is time for me to ‘take it off the mat’ and live it. Tango in Paradise and Solo Chica seem like a great place to start. ;-)” 

If you are chosen as a winner in the Launch Contest and you receive a free 1-hour coaching session with Sasha, what would you like to focus on? “Furthering my ‘feminine mojo’ (we need a new word! verve?). I have been single for a long time, and would like to shift my energy and draw a fitting partner in dance and in life. I want to integrate what many beautiful European women have and exude, which is a confident sensuality and style in all ages.”

“Our culture considers women my age to be invisible. It’s time to change that. Surgeries and cancer treatments have been difficult gifts and I intend to live beyond those perceived limitations.”

Why tango?: “I spent a few years in Eugene and Corvallis dancing Cuban Salsa with a little bit of DanzSon, and loved it. In my earlier years I studied ballet, flamenco, modern dance and jazz. I’ve taken one tango workshop and found it compelling on many levels. Specifically, the energetic lead that occurs when two people are tuned in to each other and in the present moment.”

Helping others: Justyn’s experiences on cancer’s healing path led her to create The Brave Souls Project, where she supports others on their healing journeys. BSP helps people transform their health by rewiring their responses to thoughts and emotions from fear and anxiety into healing and opportunity. She helps others in group and one-on-one sessions, using the power of guided meditation, epigenetics and neuroscience to help people shift their outlook.

Through her experience in Solo Chica, Justyn wants to “inspire other women to claim their lives, whole-heartedly. If not now, then when?”

Justyn will be at the October 18-20 Tango in Paradise weekend with us an hour outside the city at the start of her curated Solo Chica Tango Adventure in Buenos Aires. We are really excited to be part of her story.

Be sure to follow her Solo Chica Adventure on the Brave Souls Project Instagram.

PS Everyone who comes on a Solo Chica Tango Adventure gets a Tango Fairygodmother or father to accompany them in the milongas to dance, meet people, and discover the three transformational elements in the Solo Chica Tango program: the look, the embrace, and the walk. Justyn is so excited about meeting her Tango Fairygodfather Kevin she shouted it out on Instagram. 

Here’s a video where you can see the Solo Chica Adventure that awaits these three ladies–and possibly you … 

Are you a Solo Chica?

It doesn’t matter if you are single or married. Solo Chica doesn’t depend on your relationship status. Being a Solo Chica means you want to travel alone in style. 

The Solo Chica Tango Adventure is accessible and easy to do. All adventures start with one step.

Enter your email below. We will send you more information in a beautiful PDF showing you the adventure that awaits you in Buenos Aires.  

Introducing Solo Chica: Curated Transformative Travel Adventures for #femalesolotravelers 35+

Have you thought about traveling alone for your next vacation, but you are afraid that solo travel could be a bit lonely? Not with Solo Chica! Today I am excited to announce our exciting new thing–designed to make it easy for you to get on a plane for an adventure on your own. Easy. Done. Itinerary in hand.

Solo Chica is all about helping women 35+ travel alone with carefully curated Itineraries for transformative learning experiences. With Solo Chica, you can travel to off-the-beaten-path worlds in a local culture without having to figure this all out alone. You’ll be immediately connected with local people when you land who will guide you on a course of personal transformation–through a dance, a photo shoot, or who knows what…Solo Chica-style!

Women who are under 35 can be Solo Chicas too–so can men! We designed Solo Chica for 35+ solo travelers in mind because we want to support women to travel alone. Younger women and men have more built-in support for traveling alone through hostels.

Doesn’t it seem more “normal” for younger people to travel solo? After a certain age, the message gets drummed into us that we are support to travel with a partner, family, or friends. At Solo Chica, we support you to travel solo or with whoever you want. There is something sublime about solo travel. Solo travel stretches you, showing you new parts of yourself as you meet more people and take risks in a place where no one knows you.

 Give us your week of vacation. Solo Chica will turn your trip into a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

What’s a Solo Chica™ Adventure? 

Solo Chica is a new kind of solo travel adventure designed by Quirkyalone author and life coach Sasha Cagen (moi!) to make it easy for you to get on the plane for a curated 7-day transformative vacation. Easy. Done. Itinerary in hand.

Solo Chica is designed for busy women who want adventure. With every Solo Chica Adventure, you get an Itinerary that has been created by local insiders to give you a travel experience that’s fulfilling, easy, authentic, and safe.

Every Solo Chica Itinerary includes contacts for the people to guide you on a transformative experience. 

Because Solo Chica not a group tour, you will have the freedom to come when you want and to move according to your own choices and desires. You’ll be open for serendipity when you travel while also having structure and support. (Goodbye annoying prepackaged tours that schedule every moment tiring you out.)

The future is Solo Chica

Interest in female solo travel is skyrocketing. Not only are more people single today than ever more married and partnered women want to go on soul-fulfilling trips on their own. My coaching clients want to talk about how to travel solo without feeling lonely. I’ve also heard from married women, I want to go on a Solo Chica Adventure! You can!

However, there are still a lot of questions and frustrations for older solo female travelers: 

  • Where to stay if you want to meet people but don’t want to stay at a twentysomething party hostel? 
  • How do you handle going out alone at night? 
  • Where to go so you are not surrounded by couples and families, talking to no one, and feeling terribly lonely? (Been there, done that!)
  • What to do if you are concerned about safety or loneliness but you are not a group tour person? 

Solo Chica was created as one answer to these questions. 

You want to get off the tourist bus and deep into the culture wherever you go. 

You like to travel with purpose and meet new people.

You want to get back in your body and reconnect with the parts of you that are fun, sensual and exude joie de vivre. 

But you work a lot … You don’t have time to plan.

We have something for you!

Why are we focused on the chicas?

We call it Solo Chica because our focus is empowering women to travel alone for transformative learning experiences.

We are open to the cool, self-aware men too! 

Solo Chica fits in with the overall mission here at sashacagen.com. Much of my work with Quirkyalone, my life coaching work, and online courses have been about helping you to reduce your fear being single so that you can hold out for the kind of relationship you really want. When you aren’t afraid of being alone, you won’t settle

Traveling alone is part of this equation. You want to feel free to live your dreams whether you are single or in partnership. 

If not now, when?

Don’ t waste your life hiding in comfort zones. Come on a Solo Chica Adventure!

Our First Solo Chica Itinerary is the Tango Adventure in Buenos Aires. Watch this video to see the Adventure that awaits Solo Chicas in Buenos Aires…

 

Every Solo Chica Itinerary will get you out of your head and back into your body.

Why the body focus? Because the tech industry got us good. We are all hopelessly addicted to our screens and thinking way too much! We need to reconnect with our flesh.

In the social media era, tango is the perfect first Solo Chica Adventure. Tango allows us to be in the present moment with another person we can see, touch, feel, and enjoy connecting with. Tango also helps us to reconnect with our masculinity, femininity, sensuality and confidence. 

In the Solo Chica Tango Adventure Itinerary, we give you 7 days of carefully curated tango bliss from morning to night in Buenos Aires, where tango was born.

Solo Chica is not only a vacation. It’s a personal growth adventure designed to help you:

  • Reconnect to your sensuality. Rediscover parts of you that you that have been lost or suppressed when you reconnect your sensual self through tango.
  • Become more physically confident in ways you can draw on for dating, flirting, and work/leadership whether you are a woman or a man. For women, hello pussywalking!
  • Discover what tango has to teach you about yourself, life, and relationships…with a high probability of tangasms! Every person on our carefully curated Solo Chica Buenos Aires team was chosen for their warmth, excellence, and their ability to show you the tangasmic path of tango.

Your Tango Fairygodmother (or father) will show you the way to your look, your walk, and your tangasm. Yes, your Tango Fairygodmother. You can read all the details about the role your Tango Fairygodmother or father will take in your Adventure here. 

Stay tuned for Solo Chica Launch Contest Winners! 

As we were developing Solo Chica, we ran a contest earlier this year asking the women and men who told us they wanted to come on a Tango Adventure why we should give them extra support in a free coaching session and with a free Tango Goddess Photo Shoot (one of the amazing things you can do as part of your Solo Chica Adventure as insider pricing.)

Later this week we will announce the winners of the Solo Chica Launch Contest. They are all brave, inspiring women who will soon arrive in Buenos Aires for their curated Solo Chica Adventures.

Be sure you are signed up to the newsletter to get the post. 

Here are some of the amazing people waiting for you in Buenos Aires!

We are waiting for you!

Are you a Solo Chica?

It doesn’t matter if you are single or married. Solo Chica doesn’t depend on your relationship status. Being a Solo Chica means you want to travel alone in style. 

The Solo Chica Tango Adventure is accessible and easy to do. All adventures start with one step.

Enter your email below. We will send you more information in a beautiful PDF showing you the adventure that awaits you in Buenos Aires.  

These Ladies Are Showing Us the International Symbol for Pussywalking

ladies showing pussywalking symbol after a workshop with sasha cagen

These ladies (representing four countries, Australia, New Zealand, Argentina and the U.S.) are showing us the international symbol for pussywalking after attending a pussywalking workshop with Sasha in Buenos Aires.

The next Pussywalking Workshops will be held October 18-20 and November 15-17 at the Tango in Paradise weekends just outside of Buenos Aires — only for those doing the Solo Chica Tango Adventure! Want to come learn pussywalking with me in person? That’s the way in 2019!

Don’t know about pussywalking yet? You have to check out the videos and sign up for the special pussywalking newsletter for further instructions!

How to Be OK with Being Single Even When You Are Actually Not OK With It

I was chatting with one of my best friends on the phone the other night when I asked her if she had seen the Brene Brown special “The Call to Courage” on Netflix.

She said, “Yeah,” but she said yeah with a kind of smirk that I could discern on the phone.

“It’s kind of obligatory for women of our demographic,” she said.

Ha. That demographic would be San Francisco, progressive, emotionally aware, 40s-50s.

We talked about the special, which I appreciated. Brene Brown’s work naming the power of vulnerability and its importance for love, happiness, and connection has been life-changing for me as it has been for many, many people. But there was one aspect of the talk that didn’t sit exactly right.

I loved Brene Brown’s storytelling about how incredibly challenging it can be to open up and talk about your feelings in an intimate relationship, even and especially for her (and for me I would add too!). Being vulnerable is not easy! But when she was telling stories from her life I had the feeling she was assuming that everyone in the audience was married, or at least, had a long-term partner. She was careful to use a non-parenting example after using a parenting example in her talk, but I had the feeling she wasn’t addressing the high percentage of people who are out there struggling to find and maintain a relationship or who are content being single.

There are particular ways that shame and challenges around vulnerability show up for those of us who are dating, and have been single for longer than we want to be. This is just one of the reasons I was so glad Bay Area therapist Laura Parker reached out to interview me as part of her groundbreaking series Transforming Loneliness.

Laura definitely groks “quirkyalone” (probably because she is one!). We could focus on shame and vulnerability from that perspective. We talked about how we can move from “single shame” to owning our stories as discerning quirkyalones. Why? So we can stop all those self-critical thoughts in our heads–and be more peaceful within ourselves and open to more love and connection.

For example, in our conversation, we talk about with shameful thoughts and questions like, “Is it my fault that I’m still single? I’m the one common denominator!” Or “Am I actually unlovable?”

By now I have enough experience as a life coach, writer and human being to know that people in long relationships also struggle with questions about whether they are lovable, but these questions really do hit hard if you are single for a lot longer than you want to be. I’ve worked through those issues myself–they will be on full display in my memoir (working title Wet). I often talk with clients who carry around the feeling that it’s their fault they are still single.

Loneliness, in my view, gets very tangled up with shame. We feel ashamed of feeling lonely and needing or wanting more connection than we have. We might even feel ashamed of having needs for love or companionship that have not been met. Or we might feel ashamed that our life stories don’t fit the “norm” of how adulthood is supposed to happen with certain milestones by certain ages.

According to this San Diego-based psychological study, 75% of Americans struggle with loneliness, even if they have a partner and a network of friends. These researchers found wisdom, compassion and empathy help people to feel more connected to humanity and the cosmos. Interacting with others who share values and interests can be helpful too.

Laura wants to help us to change the way we view loneliness so that instead of feeling ashamed of our loneliness as a personal failing we see it as a message to be attended to. I hope this conversation can give you more wisdom to look at your own feelings of loneliness when they come up. As Laura helped us see there are lots of ways to look at a dating history that has been mostly single. There might be something right with you if you don’t settle for a mediocre or unhealthy relationship.

In this video, you will hear us talk about:

  • What we mean when we say “single shame.” It’s that feeling that might overcome you when your date asks how long it’s been since your last relationship. It’s been years, and you don’t know what to say
  • What it means to “own your story” so someone can get to know you. If we don’t love and accept our own story enough to share it will be difficult for anyone to get to know you.
  • This brilliant corrective to single shame. When you are caught in a loop of self-judgment about still being single, sometimes the best thing to do is stop judging yourself and accept the mystery of life.
  • What I think about the idea that “you have to love yourself to love someone else.”
  • How relationships are mirrors and are co-created between two people.
  • How my ideas about relationships have evolved since publishing Quirkyalone in 2004
  • The memoir I’m working on now Wet is a follow-up to Quirkyalone. The new book goes into my own single shame story of how healing the effects of trauma helped me to open up more deeply than ever before in an important romantic relationship
  • Touch starvation when feeling lonely–and how tango or any kind of dance with contact can be an antidote

So go back to the top of this blog post and watch this video because it’s truly special (it starts off slow but it’s really a gem if you identify with being quirkyalone). Then, want to read or hear more about working with your loneliness and healing single shame?

Laura interviewed more than a dozen healers and thinkers on the topic of transforming loneliness from many spiritual perspectives. These videos are very nourishing. I recommend you check them out on her YouTube channel.

I’ve been talking about single shame with other authors, coaches and therapists for a while now.

I talked with Sara Eckel, author of It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single about how to heal your single shame. Sara wrote about that icky feeling of single shame in a beautiful Modern Love essay that launched her book of the same name. Watch that conversation here.

To go further:

Grab your copy of my book Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics to to know you are never alone when you’re quirkyalone.

This is tough stuff and you don’t need to do it on your own. Sometimes the best way to work through shame is to work with someone who can be your compassionate witness and observer to help you work through these feelings. Simply acknowledging and talking about shame often lessens those feelings considerably. Get one–on-one-help with working through single shame to own your story and open up for more love and connection. You can find a therapist in your area and ask him or her if she is sensitive to these types of issues or check out my coaching page and request a consult to explore coaching with me.

Self-marriage catches on in Latin America. Misconceptions cleared up here.

Last month was one of the more bizarre periods of my life. When I married myself five years ago it was an entirely private ritual that only two friends attended. Marrying myself had nothing to do with being single. Marrying myself was about a deep process of self-love and -acceptance. Really marrying myself was part of a healing process.

After TeleNoche aired an interview with me about self-marriage a month ago the Argentine (and Latin American) press got interested–as far away as Marie Claire Mexico.

I did three TV interviews, two radio, and two for the press, all in Spanish! Whoah!

Suddenly everyone knew me as “the first woman in Argentina who married herself.” People I interact with daily on my block (at the cafe, gym, kiosco, and health food store) congratulated me.

Weeks later my body pump teacher at the gym is still teasing me every time I slow down during the class. “Sasha, is marriage not treating you well?”

The latest surreal conversation on my block was with the Venelezuan at the local dietetica (health food shop) who came out from behind the counter when I was shopping to ask if was me. “Are you the woman who married herself?” I was there to buy almond milk and suddenly I was talking to him about what happens when women make vows to themselves.

If the people in my neighborhood are any indication, self-marriage had captured the attention of Argentina. Or Latin America. I didn’t even know it was possible anymore to achieve such media penetration now with so many different outlets. A woman in my weekly writing group told me she heard people talking about self-marriage everywhere from Twitter to Clarin to La Nación, Argentina’s leading conservative paper where a man wrote this little essay mocking self-marriage. He ended this with this typically Argentine poetic ending, “I point out that there is no love for oneself, above all, because there is no love for oneself without love for the other. and vice versa.”

Right. Exactly. That’s what I have been saying. We are in agreement buddy. My self-marriage was a private act. I never posted about marrying myself when I took that leap back in 2014 but I got a lot of benefit from marrying myself so when media wants to talk to me about it I oblige. My self-marriage was all about building my capacity to love myself–and others too. Then people get angry that women want to love themselves! “You’re such a narcissist.” “How sad you couldn’t find anyone to marry.” “Society is falling apart, etc.”

Maybe these people haven’t noticed that women have a tendency to give away so much of themselves in relationship (or in the pursuit of relationship) there is not enough left for themselves. When you love yourself you have more love to give. You’ll have better relationships! Why is making vows to love and care for yourself narcissistic? On the other hand, the Marie Claire Mexico got it just right in their writeup, pointing out that you can be in a relationship and marry yourself too.

How this “First Woman to Marry Herself in Argentina” madness started

This Latin American wave of self-marriage publicity started three weeks ago when Jason Mayne, a young reporter from TeleNoche was researching self-marriage because he was going to LA to do a story and wanted to do more. He discovered in a news story that I married myself here in 2014 in Buenos Aires’ Japanese Garden. He emailed me and two days later we taped an interview about self-marriage in the Japanese Garden, just where I had married myself with two friends in a very private, tiny ceremony five years before, witnessed by two close friends: one Colombian, one Estonian, both fellow tangueras.

I didn’t tell anyone on social media about my self-marriage when it happened. No one cared for five years. Where were all those self-wedding presents? Hahahahah evil laugh. After TeleNoche, all of a sudden all Argentine media wanted to talk to me.

In the last two weeks I have done three television interviews, two radio interviews, and one print interview (Infobae) for one of the biggest new sources. One Argentine friend emailed to say, “You’re busier than the president!” In fact, I  lost myself in all the TV interviews. Neglecting my self-care meant that I needed to come back to the vows of my self-marriage to put my my health ahead of my work! I found the whole experience to be both scary (what do these people in Argentina think of me now? I must admit I do think about what people think of me) and extremely confidence-building. I had no idea I could do television interviews in Spanish. When I listened to this fifteen-minute radio interview with a station in Mendoza, I was in shock. I sounded like a porteña (a Buenos Aires person)!

Self-marriage does not equal “sologamia.” Please stop using that horrible word!

All the while I have been continually clearing up misconceptions. The media loves using “sologamia” in headlines and asking me how I am living the word “sologamia.” I don’t even know what that word means, and I never used the word to describe self-marriage, but let’s make it clear. The word “sologamia” clearly creates an impression in people’s mind that marrying yourself means you are committing to be alone. That might be the case for some women or men who marry themselves, but that has never been the case for me or even one of the women I have talked to who have married themselves. Self-marriage is a ritual that involves making vows to yourself, and it’s usually a ritual of self-love and self-acceptance.

I am currently single and want to be in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean I would divorce myself. This self-marriage is forever.

Would you marry yourself? Pollo, the host of Con Amigos Asi, would!

So with all of that, I present you the transcript from this truly hilarious segment of “Con Amigos Asi” where the first woman who married herself in Argentina explained how and why it’s done.

This interview was truly like nothing you have seen on American (or probably European) TV.  It was like hanging out with a group of friends at an asado (BBQ). My friend Sharon said it was like an asado with great vibes.

I surprised the twentysomethings on the show because they assumed marrying myself meant I closed the door on marriage. No. There are no closed doors. These are two distinct things.

I explained that as I got older it becomes clear that the path of self-love is very important but it’s not recognized in society.

They were very open to listening as well as joking around.

We did some really hilarious spontaneous mini-coaching sessions on their contradictory feelings about relationships. “Sometimes I’m happy, Sometimes I cry. I’m confused Sasha.”

Also, one more thing: When I talked about this show with my Colombian friend (who also married herself and cares deeply that people get the deeper meaning of self-marriage) she worried people would get the wrong idea and think that marrying yourself is kind of like that joke on Seinfeld, when Jerry meets a woman played by Janeane Garafolo and says, “I found my soul mate, this woman is incredible, she is just like me!” That was a funny joke but no, that’s not what self-marriage is about! Self-marriage is about self-acceptance, not marrying your doppelganger.

Also facial treatments are great self-care but they are probably not the deepest expression of self-love. (During one of the spontaneous mini-coaching sessions on the show one of the women said she would express love for herself with facial treatments.)

But I will trust that you get that these are jokes.

Self-marriage is profound and funny, like the best things in life.

An asado (bbq) with really good vibes – watch it here with a transation

Note: We have an English translated transcript of this video below. For your best watching experience, you can click through to watch on YouTube and scroll down to read the transcript as you watch.

Sasha Cagen: The Woman who Married Herself, interview on “Con Amigos Asi” on the Argentine cable TV channel KZO

Pollo: I don’t have it clear.

Juan: What? What? Wait, wait.

Pollo: And now, the only woman who married herself… well, I do not know if she is the only one, but she is the only one in the program today. She married herself… she married herself!

Pablo:  And she is not unfaithful with herself. I cannot believe it!

Pollo:  She married herself and imagine how much less mess you have to go through. She has no problem living together with a partner, they do not fight over going to their parents´ houses.

Juan: No….

Pablo: Incredible!

Jani: For me, she was a visionary.

Pollo: This starts here and never ends!

Pablo: She separates from her husband and keeps everything!

Pollo Exactly, there is no contract to pronounce it…

Juan: If she doesn´t cook, nobody else will.

Yani: Phew! She should have been when the lawyer was here.

Pollo: Wait! What?

Juan: Wait and… Can I ask you a question?

Pollo: Yes, in fact you can ask her but I can help you.

Juan: Would you marry Pollo Alvarez?

Pollo: Yes, I would marry myself.

Juan: Yes?

Pablo: Wow!

Pollo: I consider myself a good candidate.

Pablo: Would you marry Pablito Giménez?

Pablo: Yes, bolúdo (Argentine Spanish word to call someone an asshole in a friendly way). Yes. If I don´t love myself, who else will?

Juan: I won´t marry marry Juan. No way.

Pablo: That is true.

Yani: We all know that. Luckily it´s crystal clear.

Juan: You believe in my a lot, eh!

[Laughs]

Pollo: I… Yes. The truth is that If I think about it, yes, yes, I would marry myself, yes.

Joshi: For me, the ideal partner.

Pollo: With whom?

Joshi: Me.

Pollo: With yourself?

Joshi: Yes (nodding her head)

Pollo: Well, now I speak with her. Let’s welcome the dearest Sasha Cagen! Welcome, please come forward. Sasha Cagen (pronounced in English)? In English is it Cagen?

Juan: Sasha…

Joshi: (pronouncing her surname correctly): Cagen!

Sasha: Hi, how are you?

Pollo: Welcome! Come in, please!

[A lot of back and forth about how to pronounce “Cagen” in English and Spanish.]

Pollo: Really, because obviously, surely, to do what you did, has to do with a process and with something that you believe in, but for outsiders, perhaps the most orthodox ones, you got our attention. So tell us, what is it all about?

Sasha: Well, yes, it’s usually not that someone wakes up one day and decides to marry herself or himself. Self-marriage is usually part of a period of introspection. I think it’s something people who are working on these things to love themselves enter into this process of self-marriage. It is something you can do for recognition in your life, as an adult. Because we do not have many rituals for adults. We have marriage and, I do not know what else, a birthday, but it is not something very…

Yani: Fatherhood. Motherhood, too.

Sasha: Yes, and well you can even marry yourself if you are already married. I am a life coach and I have helped women who are married to marry themselves. Because… especially women have a tendency to get lost in the relationship with others. Whether you are single or you are with someone, self-marriage can be a ritual to make a commitment to yourself. It is very personal and it is very creative because we do not have magazines that tell you what to do when you marry yourself. That’s why it is very free.

Pollo: Now I ask you, I understand what you are saying to me, that to marry yourself is creative and that it is part of the process but what is the difference between marrying oneself and not marrying oneself. Because in general I do not understand.

Joshu: The change?

Yani: The difference?

Pollo: What is the difference? Forgive my ignorance.

Yani: Single or married with yourself–isn’t that the same?

Sasha: It’s a process, a ritual …it´s something that you want….

Yani: Ah! It´s a ritual.

Sasha: I believe people have to be….

Joshu: Something symbolic maybe….

Sasha: People want something to do for that ritual of self-love. It’s symbolic and for me it was something that happened some months before my 40th birthday, because I felt a lot of pressure and unhappy because I had not found a man to marry. I was also doing therapy and thinking about how to love myself after working through many internal things. And it was weird, of course, it was strange.

That’s why for me, to marry myself here in Argentina was so much more free. I was far from my family, my normal friends … [Laughter] I have also my not-so-normal friends … open-minded friends I met in tango and they supported me. My Colombian friend, she got married to herself too. And she was present in my day. [Note: It should be said I have plenty of open-minded friends in California too!]

Pollo: Did she marry herself?

Sasha: Yes, she was present and….

Joshu: And did she know about this because of you?

Yani: No, no she married herself.

Joshu: Yes, yes, but did she get to know about it from you … I think this self-marriage is a beautiful idea, did she hear it for the first time from you?

Sasha: No. It was ten years ago, when I published this book [holding the Quirkyalone book in her hand]. I interviewed two women in California who married themselves. When I was 30, for me it was also like, why do you need to do this? I also was judgmental but I also felt interested in it. But it was also like … hmm … good for you, but it’s not for me. After time as I got older I realized that it is so very important to love yourself. To learn to love yourself really is a very important path in life. And we don’t value this so much because we want to get married, because society gives importance to marriages. So it is a ritual of self-love…

Pollo: It´s okay. It´s right what she is saying.

Joshu: But Sasha, do you feel that  marrying yourself shows even more self-love than not marrying oneself … no? Because one can have self-love without marrying oneself, I just say.

Sasha: Yes, totally. Yes, and it’s not necessary need to marry yourself.

Joshu: But you felt even greater self-love when you married yourself?

Sasha: Sorry? Oh, If I feel greater self-love? Yes! Well, because I have the reference of this ring, you see, it is a commitment and it is a symbol. That’s how I can remember it.

Joshu: Yes, you see it and you remember it.

Sasha: Exactly. It´s a symbol that I can remember.

Pollo: I have a question, sorry. Again, I am very very ignorant on the subject …

If one learns how to value yourself and that is why you can marry yourself isn’t it the same learning to say OK, society believes that you have to marry because the canons say that … Anyway, I can be single, alone if I am OK with myself, I do not think it is necessary to marry yourself. And yes, I understand that maybe it is something more from society than something that I really want. Do you understand the point?

Sasha: Yes, it’s not necessary and I’m thinking a lot about this now, at this moment because this idea captured society in Argentina and …

Pollo: Yes, because we have so many problems in our society so this is excellent… It´s like a break within such a big mess… that we say, OK, let´s talk about this!

Sasha: It is something different.

Pollo: Yes. It´s good.

Sasha: I have been thinking about this and I think maybe the people who have experienced abuse in their lives really need a ritual, and understand that can be valuable to do a ritual of self-love, there are people who understand exactly why … and there are people who say why you need to do this? And I think you need to have a calling for self-marriage, it needs to call you, otherwise it’s not right.

Pablo: And the paperwork is the same? You go to the registry office? It´s the same as if you marry someone?

Sasha: I didn’t do that. [I thought he was talking about a wedding registry for presents.] But I could say those are the presents I want, for me it was very quiet. It was more of an internal process, more than an external one.

Yani: And one question… I ask you a question….if you did a whole process of self-worth and self-love because of something in particular, why does it matter to you what society thinks of you because you can easily love yourself. And it´s like a little bit contradictory in the sense that if you love yourself and at some point you don´t care about what the rest thinks, why doing a ritual to show the rest? I don´t know if I’ve made myself clear.

Sasha: I think the point is to talk it out loud, to have witnesses and when I say this to you and you are my friend I promise that I want to follow this path, that I will say no to what is not good for me. I will love myself, I will consider myself beautiful. It’s a memory, the same as a wedding.

Yani: And if you fell in love with someone, for example…. ?

Sasha: It’s all good.

Yani: Can you be unfaithful to yourself?

Sasha: There are no closed doors.

Yani: Ah! Ok, yes.

Boy: In fact, in the end, it ends up being just as marrying with someone else… You are in a relationship right? And the wedding is more symbolic because… you… the love is the same, it wouldn´t change anything theoretically. So….no….

Sasha: It´s something….

Boy: If it changes, it changes, as the lawyer said. Papers change.

Pablo: Well, but…let´s say…. In terms of love… it´s the same.

Pollo: The thing is you shouldn´t marry thinking that you are going to divorce… it´s a great mistake.

Pablo: Yes…

Pollo: Because we should do nothing thinking, Oh, I get on the plane and I have…. And no…. You have to do things and then you…. Have to consider the consequences of what will happen… If you don´t move forward you are a coward I believe….

Yani: Sasha… and when you get to know a new person, right? Now do you tell him look, I am married to myself? No, you don´t tell him?

Juan: For me it’s OK to tell him/her anyway eh…

Sasha: No, it’s fine. When we know each other, but in the first date it would be very weird.

Yani: No, it’s not good.

Sasha: it has to be shared with time, yes, I believe.

(Laughs)

Juan: Why did you choose to marry in Argentina?

Sasha: Because I felt freer here that I have a love for tango. I moved to Buenos Aires because of tango. I have several friends from tango and I feel like the freedom to follow this path here that for me in California, in California I was afraid of my self-marriage being seen as something from Burning Man, I don´t know if you know it.

Pollo: Yes, yes.

Sasha: But it was like I don´t want to be associated with Burning Man. I want to make it authentic, mine.

Juan: Burning Man is that festival that takes place in the desert.

Someone: And what´s the book about?

Sasha: The book is this, that is a word that I invented and it describes the people who want to be with someone and are patient, who can wait for the right person, so in that path, It’s very easy to feel social pressure because you’ve been single for many years so… that word means maybe, if you’ve been single for a long time it´s because you are selective and you are strong so it´s another perspective.

Yani: Did your parents want to kill you because of the self-wedding?

Sasha: (Laughs) No, no no!

Boy: No, no, if your parents…. Like… I don´t know, when you were thirty years old or when you were of a certain age that they made you feel…..

Sasha: Pressure.

Yani:  Pressure. That is why you decided to investigate about the subject or…?

Sasha: No, my parents were always very relaxed about marriage and they wanted me to be happy.

Yani: Ah! OK.

Sasha: I felt the pressure from society. Yes, because I think a girl feels it when she is 12, I felt like “If I have a boyfriend we are more.”

Someone: Yes, that´s true.

Sasha: Yes. It´s like you are pretty or you´re better because you have a boyfriend, why? Maybe you haven´t found the right person.

Pollo: And also, you should see, in connection with this, behind closed doors for both women and men … maybe on the outside it seems excellent and on the inside there’s a hell.

Joshi: Yes, anyway, beyond that also the society…

Juan: Both things, marriage and alone….

Boy:  Now it´s not exactly like that

Pollo: Not anymore.

Yeni: Do you think that today is not exactly like that? At least… For me, to some extent it is.

Sasha: No, yes, yes, it´s still like that. (There is still social pressure to be in a relationship.) I work with those people. I am a coach and that’s one of my specialties.

Pollo: What type of coach are you?

Sasha: A life coach.

Pollo: And what does it mean?

Sasha: It´s kind of a therapist.

Pollo: Yes.

Sasha: But there is more action in it.

Pollo: But… is it for couples? Do you go with your partner?

Sasha: I also have couples because I have couples and they want to build a relationship where no one gets lost.

Pollo: Well, well, wait. Let´s imagine we are in the coach´s office. Can we?

Sasha: Yes! We can.

[Here’s where we start the spontaneous mini-coaching sessions….]

Pollo: Who wants to be treated by the coach? Joshi, Joshi…

Yani: The punishment because he was late.

Pollo: No, but he doesn´t want it… if he doesn´t want.

Yani: It doesn´t matter.

Pollo: We need that before…. Yani, good, perfect…. She´s decided it herself…. I didn´t decide it.

Pablo: Great.

Pollo: Can you come here, Juancito? I haven´t decided it, I swear.

Juan: I liked it more the passive Jeni.

(Laughs)

Pollo: A big round of applause to Yani.

Boy:  Good Yani!

Pollo: Well, are you single, Juan? Well, deal with it yourself.

Pablo: Beautiful!

Pollo: Well, he will do a consultation.

Boy:  Good Yani!

Pollo: Well, are you single, Juan? Well, deal with it yourself.

Pablo: Beautiful!

Pollo: Well, he will do a consultation.

Joshu: Will it be a performance or real life?

Pollo: No, no…. not real life.

Pablo: No, real life never.

Pollo: No, no because otherwise it´s confusing.

Sasha: Are you a client?

Juan: Yes.

Sasha: Very good. I love it.

Juan (sad background music): Sasha… you know, something is happening to me lately and…. And I thought that given my age… I am already 35… I feel that many of my friends are having a family, they are finding their way in life and… I cannot manage to achieve that… I am standing to the other side of it.

Pollo: No, but he is 10 years less than what he said.

Juan: Six less years.

Yani: Don´t interrupt! Leave him…leave him!

Juan: And I feel all of them are finding their way in life… and I am staying sideway of it, but the truth is that I don’t want to force a situation to be in that train that today I feel I am not ready to get on.

Sasha: And… How do you feel about all this? What are your emotions?

Juan: Well, they are contradictory. Sometimes I feel good, I feel comfortable, I have my freedom… but other times, on a rainy Tuesday I feel I would like to have a boy by my side to watch TV.

Sasha: A boy? Or… a girl!

(Laughs)

Someone:  He is a chamuyero.

Pollo: A rainy Tuesday he goes out with an umbrella.

Sasha: Oh! A boy…. Ah….Do you want to be a father?

Pollo: He wants to be a dad to watch TV. But… he wants to be a dad for the rainy Tuesday, if it does not rain on Tuesday we are… No, no, sorry. Continue.

Sasha: And on Wednesday when it rains, you also want a child?

Juan: Yes, until Wednesday.

(Laughs)

Sasha: I want to understand how how strong the desire is. If the desire if very strong.

Juan: It´s contradictory. There are days that it is strong, some days it´s not. There are days that are yes, the desire is strong and the days that are no.

Sasha: And when you feel it in your body, when you connect with yourself?

Juan: For me it´s hard. It´s very hard to connect with myself.

Sasha: Oh, well. Have you thought about marrying yourself?

Pollo: Ah… she is going toward that way.

[Laughs]

Juan: Very good, very good, very good. Come Joshi, I tell you that with Joshi we have… here it´s the truth, now comes the truth… um

Sasha: Oh! Well!

Pollo: A kiss to Joshi´s mum that she always watches us.

Joshi: Ah… kisses!

Joshi: Hi Sasha

Sasha: Hi, how are you?

Joshi: Good.

Sasha: Good?

Joshi: Yes.

Sasha: What do you want to focus on today?

Joshi: Um… the truth is that I don’t have a partner and maybe I feel like something is failing. Am I make myself clear? Like I don´t know very well which way to follow. if keep on like this. Or not.

Sasha: Failing as a woman or failing as what?

Joshi: Life, in life maybe… in general.

Sasha: In life…

Joshi: Yes.

Sasha: And is it something you really want, the relationship?

Joshi: It happens to me that sometimes yes, too much. And sometimes no. I am in a dichotomy like… Sometimes I cry, sometimes I smile.

Sasha: And what do you feel most of the time?

Joshi: Most of the time? Um… I am confused, Sasha.

Sasha: And… have you thought about marrying yourself?

Pollo: It´s OK, it´s OK.

(Laughs)

Sasha: That is the solution.

Someone: That is the solution.

Joshu: Mmm…. Yes, I have thought about that.

Sasha: Oh, yes? Do you have vows? Have you thought about vows with yourself? (In Spanish, this word sounds like Botox)

Someone: Not Botox, vows.

Sasha: No! Vows.

Someone: The granola won´t be shared if she marries herself.

Joshi: Vows… um… yes, yes. I thought… I feel that I would be a great partner for myself.

Sasha: What would you like to promise to yourself?

Joshi:  Eternal loyalty. I mean, that to begin with. Um…. Love, love.

Sasha: Love to yourself.

Joshi: Yes, love to myself. It´s weird how it sounds but…

Someone: It´s OK, it´s OK.

Sasha: And how do you express that love? How would you like to?

Joshi: I take care of myself, I do skin treatments…

Someone(boy): Me too…

Joshi: And that is self-love… and I take care of myself a lot.

Sasha: What would you like to tell yourself so that you love yourself? What your internal dialogue would be? What would you say?

Joshi: Like… a mantra to myself?

Sasha: Yes.

Joshi: Uf… Maybe I would repeat it all the time like… “How pretty you are!”

Sasha: That´s good!

Pollo: It´s fine!

Juan: It´s fine.

Pollo: It´s fine!

Sasha: I like it, I like it… it´s very soft.

Pollo: Excellent, excellent!

Pablo: I am beginning to think that Joshi uses all specialists who come so in real life she doesn’t pay the real ones.

Pollo: The last thing I ask you, obviously. Is it in the bookstore this book (Quirkyalone)?

Sasha: Well, today I emailed my agent to say we have to sell the rights to an Argentine publisher because there is a lot of interest now.

Pollo: OK.

Sasha: There is a translated book in Brasil (SoSingular), of this book but in version, but we don´t have it yet in Argentina.

Pollo: Well, but, look… there is it, there is your instagram so that they can ask you questions there.

Sasha: Perfect.

Pollo: Two more things before we go. I would like that with this vision of a woman with a more open mind that at least, from the people we are here. You tell me who here you believe is closest to marry himself or herself… I mean… Who of all of us, from the little you have seen us… you say… which goes that way to marry him or herself… Who do you think?

Sasha: Oh. Him! (Pointing at Juan.)

Juan: Come on Juan! You have found the love of your life.

Pollo: He does not make good coffee.

Pollo: And the last thing I say… It has nothing to do with this but I would like you to answer this. If you had to … This is an intuition, it´s almost a prejudice… Who do you believe…. From all the people who are here, maybe nobody but…Who likes men and women? Who likes people … who does not care about gender?

Sasha: Ah…you mean bisexual?

Pollo: Bisexual… who? Who? Who do you think? I want to know.

Someone(boy): Come on Sasha! Say it! It´s just a question.

Sasha: Those two. (Pointing at Yani and the other boy, Pablo)

Pollo: Those two!

(Laughs)

Pablo: It´s OK, yes, it might be… A big round of applause to Sasha!

Juan: Sasha, thanks!

Pollo: Wait, are you staying in Argentina?

Sasha: Sorry?

Pollo: Are you staying here in Argentina?

Sasha: Yes, I am finishing my next book here. This is my commitment.

Pollo: Well, dance lot of tango. Go to the new Corrientes Avenue that it is very nice.

Sasha: A place?

Pollo: Corrientes Avenue is the new avenue. It´s called Corrientes. It´s excellent… it´s very nice and they encourage people to marry themselves.

Pablo: People who dance tango are very… chamuyeros, be careful.

Sasha: Super chamuyeros.

Joshi: Do you feel Argentines are chamuyeros?

Sasha: I don´t know about all Argentines, but yes…. It´s a talent. (Note: Being a chamuyero means being a smooth-talking bullshitter.)

Joshi: Here we have three talents.

Juan: She is saying because of the three over there.

Pollo: I have lost timing a little bit, but I can come back. No, I won´t come back but….

Yani: That you don´t lose…

Joshi: It is never lost.

Joshi: It is never lost…It´s like riding a bicycle….

Yani: Exactly. It´s like riding the bicycle.

Pollo: You don´t lose the timing? I haven´t tried it anyway but….

Yani: Pablito, we have confused, he is not chamuyero because he has just tried and he failed…

Pollo: No, Pablo, really, he should be among the most boring guys that exist… really, um… I am not joking.

(To Sasha) Thanks, it´s kind of you.

Sasha: Well, thanks.

Photos by Julia Ribeiro. Translation by Lucila Soros with help from Kat Ananda.

***

Want to see the news clip that kicked off this media madness on TeleNoche? Watch the TeleNoche interview (and read the English translation) of that possibly even more hilarious interview here.

Want to be guided in the process of marrying yourself whether you are single or already married? After all, you are the only one you are certain to be with for your entire life. You saw me give some coaching here so you might feel called to reach out! Go here to learn more about my coaching and to request a coaching consult.

To get more blog posts in your email inbox, be sure to sign up for my newsletter the Sasha Cagen Weeklyish.

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Bringing self-marriage to Argentina!

photo by Julia Ribeiro / shot while filming a “nota” for the Argentine news program TeleNoche about self-marriage in the Japanese Gardens (where I married myself in 2014!)

What happens when a national news program in Argentina wants to know about the American woman who married herself in Buenos Aires? That happened this week. The interview was all in Spanish. Oh my god, it was amazing! We shot this very entertaining video in the Japanese Garden in Buenos Aires–exactly where I married myself five years ago!

This interview was a chance to spread the concept of self-marriage as a ritual of self-love and -acceptance in South America in Spanish on the biggest nightly news show in Argentina TeleNoche. Since then I have gotten lots of media requests from radio stations and newspapers in Argentina. 

Just as a reminder, self-marriage does not at all imply or require being single. I’ve helped married and single women marry themselves in my coaching practice.

I see comments on social media arguing, “But constructing a beautiful relationship is so important.” I agree!  Perhaps some who marry themselves don’t want a relationship but that’s not my approach in my own life or with my clients. In my view, self-marriage is not a rejection of intimate relationship but a foundation for it. Self-marriage is the foundation for everything. 

I also want a loving committed, interdependent relationship with a man. That’s the vulnerable part of me that might not get seen in my advocacy for self-marriage or Quirkyalone. If that sounds contradictory, so be it–it’s really not not. Loving ourselves helps us love other people. Being kinder to yourself helps you look at a a loved one, a friend, or strangers, with a softer, more loving gaze. I can’t say that marrying myself made me a perfect person, but the ring is always a reference point to remember the way I want to treat myself and others.

That’s the deep side of self-marriage. There’s also a hilarious side because marrying yourself can be pretty fun. With Jason Mayne of TeleNoche I was able to be more myself than I am in most interviews.

When I talked about Quirkyalone with Anderson Cooper on CNN the interview felt like a battle. When you go to battle you’re tense. When you’re joking you can be more relaxed. Maybe it’s was Jason’s sympathetic genuine millenial vibe, that we were in a park, or that I was speaking in a foreign language. Anyway, he managed to bring out the best in me. We had so much fun! 

Watch the video and let me know what you think.

 

For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, my team and I translated the interview. 

Jason: And this ring, what does it mean?

Sasha: Well, it’s a commitment to myself, that I’ve taken that step of marrying myself.

Jason narration: There is a movement that grows in the world that is called sologamy or self-marriage, people who marry themselves. And one of the references is now in the city of Buenos Aires. Let’s go talk to her because I want to know what this is about. How is it that you marry yourself, is it a traditional party? No? Well, here we’ll see.

Sasha, what’s up?

Sasha: Hi, how are you?

Jason: Very good! I want to see this, what you have here. Is it a commitment ring?

Sasha: Oh well, yes, it’s my commitment ring with myself.

Jason: What does this ring mean?

Sasha: Well, it’s a symbol of the fact that I took this step to marry myself. As a symbol of self-love and self-acceptance. 

Jason: And how long have you been married?

Sasha: It’s been five years. We’ve been together for 5 years!

Jason: Where did you get married?

Sasha: Here, in the Japanese Garden.

Jason: Where are you from?

Sasha: I’m from the United States, I fell in love with tango, I moved to Buenos Aires, I decided to marry myself and I did the ceremony here in the Japanese Garden.

Jason: And does it have something to do with not expecting the prince and going against all that societal pressure of marriage?

Sasha: Yes. I was going to be 40 years old and I had not married a man yet and I wanted to do something for myself, a ritual. About being an adult, being a woman, taking charge of my own happiness. And also my self-acceptance, that’s a very profound thing.

Jason: Did you tell your friends, your family that you were going to marry yourself? What did they say to you?

Sasha: Well, I told very few people, because I knew that most people would not understand. My mother told me, whatever is good for you is good for me, but I know she thought I was crazy. And that’s OK.

Jason: So it’s about not depending on sharing moments with another person, its about feeling feeling good being yourself?

Sasha: Yes, and I also like to be in a couple. Getting married to yourself doesn’t mean that I want to be single, it’s not like that. It’s that I want to take care of my happiness, when I’m single or when I’m with someone.

Sasha: For me, what is fundamental is to write the vows.

Jason: You wrote the vows?

Sasha: Yes, of course.

reading the vows from five years ago, translated to Spanish

Jason: These are the vows of your self-marriage?

Sasha: My self-marriage yes, because I can also marry a man. it’s not exclusive, it’s very polyamorous.

Jason: The polyamory, I like it, you already stole the concept.

Sasha: Yes, we are in everything.

Jason: Okay, for example, what does it say?

Sasha: I promise to follow what I love, my passions. I promise to fall in love with others’ imperfections as well as I fall in love with mine, because I’m not perfect.

Jason: There it is …

Sasha: I promise to see myself beautiful and accept my sexuality.

Jason: These were the vows of your self-marriage …

Sasha: Yes.

Jason: After, for example, was there a honeymoon?

Sasha: Well, there was a day to celebrate with friends, the honeymoon is still coming.

Jason: It’s pending.

Sasha: It’s pending.

Jason: And marrying oneself is only for women?

Sasha: No men can also marry themselves.

Making some very important point about self-marriage to the crew!

Sasha: In 2004 I wrote this book (Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics), and this book is the first place where there was published writing about self-marriage in a book. I did interviews with other women who had done it (married themselves) in California.

Jason: At what time did you say I want to marry myself?

Sasha: That was some months before my 40th birthday, I was very anxious.

Jason: How is the wedding ritual?

Sasha: Yes, there were many cases when women who wear the white dress and do the whole party. Everything.

Jason: You got gifts for self-marriage?

Sasha: There were gifts that were very sentimental, but not a lot of money. My self-marriage was very inexpensive, very economical.

Jason: Are there companies that offer self-marrying services?

Sasha: There are a few. There’s a box you can buy from the internet to help you with your process, and I see it as very economical, compared to the United States. Getting married in the US is very expensive, and we see what happens in many weddings and for me here is something very economical option that will help you a lot. And you’ll never divorce yourself.

Jason: So more economical, and you won’t get divorced if you marry yourself!

Sasha: Yes! And you’re free to do what you want.

Jason: Could it be that this is the key to happiness?

Sasha: It could be, yes!

Jason: Since you didn’t do something . . . as part of the production. (Takes out fake bouquet of flowers.)

Sasha: Oh no.

Jason: Here we throw the bouquet of flowers to the back.

Sasha: For the next. Let’s go. (Throws bouquet backwards to Jason)

Jason: Yes! I never thought this moment would arrive and it arrived.

Sasha: It arrived.

Jason: Thank you Sasha.

Sasha: I’m so happy for you.

Jason: Now the only thing that is missing is the ring and I’m all good. And the honeymoon.

Sasha: Let’s do it.

Jason: Thank you.

Pop music plays… 

Analyzing the light and where to shoot – these guys were hilarious. The tattoed sound guy thanked me and said my story would help him get his mother off his back because he could tell her he was marrying himself.

Are you ready to come marry yourself in the Japanese Gardens in Buenos Aires? Or in some other beautiful spot in this city, or in your own city? It’s all possible! I do help women and men, single or already married, marry themselves through my coaching practice so if you want some support to take this step yourself, you know where to go. Check out my coaching page and request a consult.

My team and I have also welcomed women to marry themselves or do their own personal honeymoon with a Tango Adventure in Buenos Aires. If that gift to yourself appeals to you, check out the Solo Chica Tango Adventure. With Solo Chica you will not be solo long, just like when you marry yourself you might attract better offers after you take a stand for your own self-worth!

WTF is Pussywalking?!

Kaamna Bhojwani-Dhawan interviews me about pussywalking for her new talk show Kaamna Live.

Do you want to get some extra confidence walking into a job interview? Do you want to feel happier and energized? Do you want to even know what you want?

“So WTF is Pussywalking?” The hilarious Kaamna Bhojwani-Dhawan who just launched her own talk show KaamnaLive interviewed me about pussywalking the last time I was in San Francisco.

Pussywalking sounds out there but it’s actually quite simple. It’s a way of being mindful so you are present in every step when you walk and to know exactly who you are and your unique powers as a woman. Pussywalking can help you step out of your shell, walk with a pep in your step and enjoy life to its fullest. Say hi to your new Sensual Self!

Watching this video you will discover:

  • What exactly is pussywalking
  • Why I teach women can have additional power in the energy of her pussy, and that energy can be distributed through the body to improve her confidence and overall well-being
  • How I originally discovered the pussywalking practice on the way to a job interview in San Francisco
  • The male equivalent: Men can be cocky, women can be pussypowerful.
  • Our research team in Buenos Aires is working on researching cockwalking.

Want to learn how to bring pussywalking energy into your life? Check out these videos and be sure to sign up for the special pussywalking newsletter.

We have a Pussywalking Workshop in Buenos Aires May 9 if you are around you should totally join us!

Reviving Sensuality in the Digital Age. An interview with Kaamna Live

What is sensuality and why does it matter? Our culture is obsessed with sex. Sex matters of course. But we rarely talk about sensuality. I want to talk about reviving sensuality in the digital age when we are all too often burying our heads in screens.

In this video with Kaamna Bhojwani-Dhawan on her new Internet talk show Kaamna Live I made sensuality a priority in my life by leaving Silicon Valley for Brazil back in 2010. In this interview I explain why I made sensuality so important for me at a time when my life was going downhill in many ways.

That move led me to Buenos Aires and tango. The search for sensuality continues because as I see it I need sensual fulfillment to be happy, healthy, and in touch with what I want and don’t want. Being in touch with my sensuality actually helps me make decisions and feel more worthy and whole. We get a lot of valuable information from our bodies but we can only feel those pulses of information if we are in touch with our senses.

In this interview we talk about why reviving your sensuality matters for your health and well-being, which celebrities are sensual and which are not, and how you can make playing golf a more sensual experience. Ha. And we should not miss the obvious point: giving focus to sensuality will make you a better lover. As Kaamna so wisely points out in the video: Men, take note!

Does sensuality matter for you? How do you trigger yourself to get out of your head, off the computer or your phone and back into your body? Where do you find sensual delight?

Let us know in the comments.