Two days ago I wrote you and asked you to make a list of your limiting beliefs related to being single, dating, and relationships. These are assumptions, preconceptions, and especially, the voices in your head that keep popping up, the ones that make you feel stuck or bad or even doomed. Such as “I have a fear of commitment” or “I don’t have enough relationship experience and it hasn’t happened by now, so it’s not going to.”
Now we are going to play with them and see what’s possible.
The next step in this process will help you build the muscle of your imagination and be more flexible in your thinking.
The simplest way we have discovered to work with Limiting Beliefs is through Byron Katie’s process for challenging thoughts, “The Work”.
Take a starred belief from your list and ask yourself:
1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
3. When you think of the belief, how does it make you feel?
4. When you let go of that belief, how do you feel?
5. Turnaround: After you have investigated your belief with the four above questions, now it is time to challenge this belief. Take that belief, and just for a moment, imagine you were wrong. Suppose that the opposite of that belief could be true. What would be the opposite of the belief? Be creative and think of two-three opposite turnarounds. In your turnaround, you may want to add the conditions under which the opposite would be true. (We give you some examples below to make this real.)
6. Check in with how you feel. What could be possible for you with your turnaround? Settle on the one that feels the most empowering as your turned-around belief. Or like the medicine you need.
We know this sounds way too simple. We are quirky….so our process can be quirky-simple. We get that these voices may have been ruling your life for years. But who said transformation has to be hard? That in and of itself is a limiting belief!
Here are some examples of turnaround:
Limiting belief: My life would become boring in a relationship.
Turnaround possibilities: My life would become exciting because I would be doing new things I’ve never considered, and it could open me up to new worlds. Plus I would still be able to do the things I like to do.
My life would be exciting because I would be learning how to stay me in a relationship while honoring the me-ness of someone else.
My life would be boring if it stays the same because I’ve already lived this life for a while and I’m ready for something new.
Limiting belief: There are no good men in San Francisco,
Turnaround possibilities: There are good men in every place. When I start to do things that I love to do I naturally bump into them.
There are lots of good men in San Francisco, and I’m a good woman, so we’re going to meet.
Limiting belief: I lose my quirkyness and freedom when I get in a relationship. I stop doing what I want.
Turnaround possibilities: I keep my quirkyness and freedom in a relationship because I learn how to communicate my needs to my partner and get better each time.
I lose my quirkyness and freedom when I’m not in a relationship, because I limit myself with this belief.
I gain my quirkyness and freedom when I’m in a relationship because my partner is too so quirkyness is doubled for both of us.
Using the above examples as inspiration, and the questions we have listed above, take your starred belief from the list you made–the one that strikes you as the strongest, most repetitive voice in your head–and first ask yourself the four questions. Then start playing with possibilities of opposite beliefs using the process above.
Consider this play! We come up with our best insights when we are in a state of play. So try to take the drama and heaviness out of it and just let your mind and heart play with . . . what could be the turnaround?
This alternative way of thinking may take some practice. It’s a muscle that you build to question your thoughts. We find building this skill is the most powerful and transformative part of our Quirkytogether 101 class–you can start questioning and turning around thoughts in every area of your life.
If you want help with transforming your limiting belief, we encourage you to join us in the Quirkytogether 101 class that starts Saturday. Sometimes people get stuck in the class, then we all swarm around them in our comments to help them see other possibilities for turning around their beliefs. It’s really collaborative and helpful to see other people turn around their beliefs. Chances are you have quite similar ones too!
Challenging limiting beliefs and creating new empowering ways of approaching dating and relationships is the core of the adventure.
Today is the last day to register for Quirkytogether 101.
If you are drawn to breathing fresh life into your love life (and I mean all of your love life, including your love for yourself, friends, and family), please do join us!