“Re Re Re Feliz 2013” means “Really Really Really Happy 2013” A sign spotted on my New Year’s Day walk in Buenos Aires

Here are my tips for how to have the most blah 2013 ever! Enjoy. Try these out and let me know how it goes! (This list came to me today while I was on a New Year’s wander around Buenos Aires. I was pondering how all the “happy 2013” messages can feel a little oppressive–I mean, can one really sustain “happiness” for a whole year? So I wondered what it would be like to give tips designed to help you have the most blah year ever and got going with this list.)

Have a Blah 2013

Be a grump.
Give yourself no credit.
Look for the worst in others.
Don’t move your body.
Wake up and worry.
Write massive to-do lists that you have no hope of accomplishing.
Spend at least eight hours a day on social media “liking.”
Don’t stand up for yourself.
Don’t talk to strangers–and never laugh and make jokes with them.
Don’t celebrate your birthday.
Walk around thinking you’re too fat.
If you have gained weight refuse to buy flattering clothes that fit.
Never relax.
Doubt every move you make.
If you are single assume it’s because there’s something wrong with you.
If you are in a relationship assume there is a better partner out there for you.
When you get sick and you don’t know what it is, Google your symptoms and assume you are going to die.
Keep your closet stocked with clothes that you don’t like, that don’t fit, and that you never wear.
If you are a single woman who likes sex and you are able to enjoy it outside of a committed relationship, call yourself a whore.
Be sure to stare into a smartphone every possible moment that you are not in front of a computer.
Don’t floss! Whatever you do don’t floss!