A Heart That Loves Itself Cannot Be Broken. Is This True?

by | Oct 18, 2021 | Advice, Being Single, Quirkyalone, Relationships, Self-marriage | 8 comments

a self-love poster spotted on Providence’s not-so-mean streets

I spotted this philosophical poster on my way across the street to walk underneath the changing trees of fall.

“A heart that loves itself cannot broken.”

First let me say that I love these mysterious people who are stapling self-love posters to telephone poles. Their intent to spread the message of self-compassion could not be more admirable. Their tactile work is so much more satisfying and human to take in than another inspirational quote on Instagram.

My heart swelled reading their message. But my critical mind could not stop there.

“But is this true?” I stopped to ask myself, before crossing the street to walk through the park. “Is it really true that a heart that loves itself cannot be broken?”

the first blush of fall on that walk

My heart got broken this year in a way that it had not been broken in years. There were nights when I woke up at 4 am and felt like a meteor had landed in my heart, leaving a charred crater in its wake. The despair of that break-up left my heart jagged and in pieces.

Did that mean that I don’t love myself? Or did that mean I was allowing myself to feel?

I thought about that lovely poster on my walk through the trees.

Here’s how I would amend the text if I were to make it feel true to me.

“A heart that loves itself cannot be permanently broken.”

“A heart that loves itself heals more quickly after heartbreak.”

“A heart that loves itself will not lose itself in grief for years.”

“A heart that loves itself will grow more resilient to love again.”

When I was going through the worst of this heartbreak, someone told me it was a good sign that my heart hurt so deeply. Being more heartbroken than ever, he said, meant I had opened up to love, and the hurt would only lead my heart to grow back stronger. I took solace in the idea that heartbreak could only grow my capacity to love.

Here is what I know for sure by now: Heartbreak is unavoidable. Loss is the flaw in love. Many of our attempts at romantic relationships do not work out over the long-term. Even superficial online dating attempts can break your heart, slowly over time, little by little, cut by cut. Horrible people will be elected as our leaders. People will disappoint us. Our friends and lovers and family will pass away.

There is always going to be heartbreak and disappointment.

The best we can hope for is that our hearts break and then grow back stronger. Self-love comes when we stop blaming ourselves. The key to healing your heart is taking out the thorn of self-blame.

Healing is a shift in perspective. A shift of knowing that you are lovable and life can be good even after devastation. Cue the song, “I Will Survive.” Seriously, if you are going through a heartbreak right now, play that song on YouTube and dance to it. We need to feel the feelings and let them move through us, through journaling, talking with a trusted friend, coach or therapist, dancing, walking, or whatever works best for you to alchemize the pain.

It’s not inevitable that a heart grows back stronger. A heart can also break and not stitch back together. A heart can grow bitter, jaded, shriveled, and resigned, which happens all the time.

Many, many people give up on love and their dreams all the time. It’s a miracle to keep going and to be at peace with your life as it is right now.

It takes a strong heart to keep on beating. A heart that loves itself.

P.S. In a little over two weeks, on Thursday November 4, at 8 pm ET (NYC time), I am going to interview my dear friend Carolyn Arnold about her new memoir Fifty First Dates after Fifty. This is a free online event to celebrate the launch of Carolyn’s book. We would love for you to join us.

Carolyn, an inveterate social scientist, and definitely a quirky, independent woman, devised an unusual dating plan to go on fifty first dates to find the right partner for her. I’ll be asking her about how she stitched her heart back together after disappointments and rejections.

Once you have been slammed a number of times in dating, how can you stay positive and keep going? You can read this interview I did with Carolyn way back in 2012 to get a taste for what we will be talking about.

If you have been considering working with me as your life coach this free event is a nice low-pressure chance to get to know me a little better and see me in action interviewing Carolyn. If you are over 40, 50, 60, or 70 and battle voices in your head thinking it’s too late, you should definitely come. You can register here.

8 Comments

  1. Paula

    Great post Sasha!

    Reply
    • Sasha Cagen

      Thanks Paula. It’s always great to hear from you!

      Reply
  2. Laura

    I could have written this post myself… I’m so fed up with this compulsory self love and positivism!
    We are surrounded by people and, many times, their actions affect us. I’m not a robot!
    I love myself A LOT, but I have gotten my heart broken and I sometimes suffer because of others. And it’s ok, It’s life!

    Great post!!!!

    Reply
    • Sasha Cagen

      Great to hear from you Laura. Yes, we have to be careful with the compulsory positivity! And stay real… great to hear your way of putting this.

      Reply
  3. Natalia

    What a great message! I think self love is totally necessary in our life. It’s mybe the most important thing, but that’s not all. Just because we love ourselves doesn’t mean that we’re not going to be sad, that we’re not going to suffer, that people are not going to hurt us… and so goes on…
    Self love help us to respect our feeling, to be gentle to ourselves in a moment of sadness, help us to move on…
    Thank you so much for this message. I need it that!

    Reply
    • Sasha Cagen

      Thanks for your message Natalia – I like this very much: “to be gentle to ourselves in a moment of sadness, help us to move on.”

      Reply
  4. NNN

    I found your blog today after seeing this very same flyer in the very same location. It was striking to me, too, when I saw it, and it helped me reframe my own recent suffering. Thank you for exploring the idea here further.

    Reply
    • Sasha Cagen

      Wow, that’s wild! Nice to hear from you, Providence reader.

      Reply

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Hi! I’m Sasha

Executive and Life Coach on a mission to help women connect with their bodies to pursue their truest desires in the bedroom and the world.

Author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics (HarperCollins) + To-Do List: From Buying Milk to Finding a Soul Mate, What Our Lists Reveal About Us (Simon & Schuster).

At work on a memoir called Wet, about adventures in healing through sensuality.

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